Too much confidence

If the GNU Public Dictatorship stands for anything it is for the rights of the downtrodden and overlooked, which is why we often try to foster confidence among these groups so that they will resist the "norms" of society and become more than they would otherwise be. Some have mistakenly interpreted this message as advocating reckless confidence and unfettered individualism. While we do believe that individuals should feel comfortable with themselves and should feel empowered to do what they want to do, we do not believe that people should throw caution to the wind or engage in behaviors that are harmful to others or in illegal activities (especially when such activities are generally recognized to be morally wrong). Case in point: this coffee-shop robber who, despite having conversed with uniformed police officers before entering the store proceeded to cut in line in front of the cops and rob the store in front of the aforementioned officers. Please exercise restraint and do not follow in his example!

Horrible injustice

When a heinous crime is committed the public is often quick to convict the prime suspect, even when the evidence is scanty. Take, for instance, the hundred-year-old case of Hawley Crippen, convicted of having killed his wife by poisoning, then dismembering her body and burying it in the basement. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by the crime allegedly committed, but, as it turns out, the body used as evidence may not have even belonged to his wife! DNA evidence is suggesting that someone other than his wife, in fact, someone male was buried in his basement. We think that Dr. Crippen has been given a raw deal. It appears that perhaps he poisoned, dismembered and buried someone else in his basement, and all the hatred directed at him for killing his wife may be misguided. Until other evidence is found we believe he should be cleared of killing his wife. He may be a murderer, but there is little evidence to support the fact that he is a wife-killer.

Taking back what was his

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when oppressed people or animals exert themselves in a non-violent way against their oppressors, which is why we applaud this bear for taking back what belonged to it. If the home owners hadn't stuffed that bear in the first place he wouldn't have had to invade their home to get it back, so we feel that his actions were entirely justified.

Non-lethal Force

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sickened by the fact that we, on occasion, have to hurt our enemies to prevent them from harming us. The issue comes up frequently in meetings of the Board of Dictators, and we have exerted our influence to help the military-industrial complex create non-lethal weapons, such as the ADS. While we are encouraged by our current results we are saddened by the thought that not all of our projects are quite that effective. Take this test, for instance, of a psychological weapon. We could say a lot about it, but we'll just say, for now, that it didn't end well. Some "governments" would try to hide their failures from their public, but we do not follow in their footsteps. We believe that the Future can only be established by conscientious openness, where our supporters know everything about our methods and motives and love us anyway. How else could we wield our capricious influence over so many people at once?

Reckless endangerment

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to your safety, which is why we are offering this apology for our irresponsible and reckless pursuit of an operative of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch in New York last week. We are deeply sorry for the irresponsible nature of our pursuit. Please forgive us.

Activism

Most people are not activists as rather than doing something about the evils in the world they simply sit back and complain about them. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we value our supporters that are, in fact, activists and will fight against the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and its subsidiaries tirelessly. At the same time, however, we understand that, since we haven't come into our full power yet, the Board of Dictators does not yet have the reach to protect all world citizens, especially those living in countries where the "governments" are not responsive to their needs.

Our lawyers want us to make it clear that we did not contribute to the events that took place recently in Liberia, but we do support the locals who channeled their frustrations into the elephant so that they could dissent and make their voice heard, while the elephant would end up paying for their dissent with its life. We do not condone the killing of animals, but we do believe that this elephant's sacrifice was in a noble cause, and that its ignominious death will serve to galvanize the will of the people who were too scared to stand up for themselves.

More Digital Drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of irony, which is why we found this BBC news article expressing skepticism about the dangers of digital drugs to be particularly delightful, especially since the BBC produced the quintessential digital drug: The Dr. Who theme.

Digital Drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but even we were skeptical when we read about what Oklahoma News 9 is warning parents about. No organization has the stellar anti-drug record that we do. We have fought drugs and drug trafficking for years, and it was our efforts that practically brought an end to the practice of using brads to distribute hallucinogenic substances "below the radar". We thought we had fought every form of drugs, until we, too, learned of iDosing. It seems that certain tracks with nonsense music are purported to alter mood and produce highs similar to real drugs. After our board meeting we decided to try these tracks, but could not achieve more than a slight headache. What the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics warned about, though, is that these music tracks may be the gateway to real drug use or to harder digital drugs. It seems that our experience (no discernible high) is the rule rather than the exception, and that disenchanted iDosers turn either to real drugs or to the hard stuff, like Steve Reich. Our experience also bears this out, as I have become dependent on at least weekly doses of Mr. Reich's music and have trouble functioning without it. We urge all of our supporters to take this warning seriously, and to avoid digital drugs with the same fervor you avoid annoying songs on the radio. If you experiment with it you may live to regret it!

Some concerns

Now that we have our observers in the right places we are starting to see more of what this mysterious company, Darkle, is up to. This previously-unknown contractor appears to have a web of influence much greater than what we had originally guessed, and it apparently spends its resources on very strange projects. We will keep you updated on our progress as we unravel its mission and its ties to the Parent Corporation, but for now we will simply point you at a mainstream media report of an activity we found was sponsored in part by Darkle. We're not sure what they're up to, but the details of the BBC report were essentially in agreement with what we found.

Lichens revisited

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not honest, even if it may take a while for the whole truth to be released. Take the recent case of the alleged nano-robotic lichens, for instance. We implied that we had not found any nano-robotic lichens, but this was merely for diplomatic reasons. The world leaders allegedly forming the plot to use them were actually unaware that the contractor they had used to distribute their lichen had an agenda of their own. This contractor, Darkle, had changed the lichen plot from an absurd attempt to destroy the Western United States' mountains by distributing so much lichen that the mountains would be quickly broken down into flat regions into a truly bizarre one involving remote-controlled nano-robotic lichens. We have spent weeks confirming that the instigators of the lichen plot were unaware of the nano-robotic plot and confirming that Darkle has ties to the Parent Corporation. In fact, it is the only firm that is used by the Parent Corporation to dispose of unusable brads and hole punch leavings.

Our investigations of lichens in North America revealed, contrary to our previously published analysis, that there were small traces of nano-robotic lichen in several key areas. By not revealing this fact to the public we kept Darkle in the dark, so to speak, and they made some moves that they otherwise would not have made that have strengthened our position immeasurably. We urge world citizens to forgive our not making this information public while we were confirming the threat, and we would like to state that (and we're not hiding information this time) (okay, maybe some information, but not about the statement we're about to make) the immediate threat from nano-robotic lichens has been neutralized. A long term solution is being pursued, but world citizens have no reason to panic at the moment!

What they won't tell you about "Bullet-Proof Custard"

The recent announcement of liquid armor (or bullet-proof custard) by BAE Systems has been hailed as a once-in-a-lifetime breakthrough by many around the world, but there are some nefarious things about this technology that they won't tell you. A secret report authored by The Allies (and currently being verified by "Viktor" himself) shows that this "custard" is not really made of a shear-thickening liquid, but of a suspension of nano-robotic creatures. The nano-robotic creatures have been programmed to stop a bullet in this case, but the limits of this technology have yet to be reached. Today it may be "bullet-proof custard" but tomorrow it may be a self-aware robotic slime mold that can infiltrate even the most advanced filtration systems to take out targets chosen by secret agents. Even if BAE Systems doesn't know anything about the nano-robotics we cannot afford to be complacent, especially since they seem to be in contact with several pro-brad groups around the world.

A warning

Hamburger-related injuries are on the rise worldwide, so we thought it might be time to help people with hamburger safety rules.

1. Do not eat a hamburger that is still on the grill/cooking surface. While it may be tempting,eating a burger that is still cooking can cook your face and cause intense pain.
2. Do not consume hamburgers that are known to contain poisons or harmful microbes.
   
3. Do not open your mouth wider than it can go to bite a burger. If you encounter a burger that is too tall to eat, we recommend one of the following approaches:

• Squish it first
• Bite off smaller portions at a less-than-normal angle on the burger. By using more oblique bites you can minimize the danger

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, and we hope that this post is no exception!

Thanks, Paul

One problem with modern society is the astounding degree of complexity in everything around us. Nothing is so simple as it was a few hundred years ago, and people don't seem to be programmed to deal with such complexity. Given the state of the modern world it is a pleasure to find something that makes life simpler, that lets us exert less of our mental capacity on the details surrounding us and more on the finer things in life. One such thing is Paul, the Oracular Octopus that correctly predicted the outcomes of all of Germany's World Cup matches and of the final match between the Netherlands and Spain. We can all rest easier knowing that, if we need him, Paul is available to take the stress of undecided future sporting events away from us and replace it with a serenity we never could have before.

A plot to destabilize the world!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we have long known that in order to get a truly functional government in place it will be necessary to eventually get rid of the current ruling bodies, but we are also practical enough to realize that we can't do it all at once or else the public would resent our apparent presumption that we are better than the others. (For the curious, yes, we are better than the others). In our studies we have come across several scenarios that would destabilize the governments in ways that would drive world citizens to us instead of away from us. One of our ideas, which had been in the public domain, was to "lose" the guns of a foreign bodyguard in the US then use those guns to commit assassinations, robberies and other disruptive activities. The world would assume some criminal got the guns and were trying to smear the foreigners, but then after some time we would return the guns so that they would magically be found with the foreigners, casting doubt on stories all around and causing general havoc. We are, however, less than pleased to see that someone (who we cannot name yet for fear of compromising our investigations) has started down this road without our support. Rest assured that nobody will get away with this and that the perpetrator will be caught and held responsible for trying to disrupt world governance before we are entirely ready.

A clarification

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the production and distribution of accurate and useful information, but there are times when even we fall short of our goals despite our best efforts. Take, for instance, my report of not having found nano-robotic lichens during my investigation. Apparently many of you took this to mean that the threat from such lichens is non-existent, but nothing could be further from the truth. All of our sources suggest that our enemies are planning to deploy robotic lichens as soon as we let our guard down. The investigation which occupied my time last week was instigated by the discovery of several new elements of the plot and proved that they have not deployed their lichen in the regions I searched, but it does not prove either that (1) they are not going to deploy them at any time or (2) they have not deployed them anywhere yet. Just today, for instance, we were shown a prototype of the lichen and were treated to a demonstration of its utility. If one lichen can be useful, imagine an army of millions of lichen! We urge caution and advise our supporters to clean lichen off of their personal property and avoid prolonged contact with lichen in the wild until we can definitively say that they are not a significant threat.