Innovation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to continual innovation, which is why we are announcing today that we are the first to hire full-time toad earthquake predictors. We will have these toads placed around the world, especially in earthquake-prone areas, and we hope that with their help we can avoid loss of life and property during earthquakes. Even if it might be too late to save the world we can do our part to innovate!

Persecution (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not tolerant of others, which is why we are so angered by persecution in all of its forms. We have worked long and hard to combat the spread of brads, which, as you all know, are the tangible symbols of the unequal treatment of women by men. We have tried to stamp out persecution of fruits, vegetables, microbes and of zombies, but no matter what we do it seems we can't stamp out all persecution. Case in point, the man who was trying unsuccessfully to rouse a long-dead opossum in the middle of a road. Just because he cares for this unfortunate animal and doesn't simply believe that the animal is dead (after all, opossums are known to play dead for extended periods of time) he is labeled a weirdo and treated as if he were crazy. We have our work cut out for us.

Pac-man

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited that we can finally verify that Pac-man was not, as has been widely reported, invented by Namco in 1980, but that he was, in fact, an interplanetary traveler whose likeness was recreated in the aforementioned game. And to think that those who have argued this in the past were laughed to scorn...

How we wish we could honor our guerilla grape artist publicly

Our guerilla grape artist has been outdoing herself. Reports of grape "decoration" are up 183.4% over the last three months, and a good portion of those grapes sport messages authorized by the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators. It seems, however, that our beloved artist is expanding her horizons and has recently moved into frying pan art. We thought we recognized her hand in this beauty, but we weren't sure until today when we finally talked with her again. She's very busy and has been hard to get a hold of, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient. We just wish she would allow us to release her name to the public...

How not to avoid being caught

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not optimistic about the human race, which is why we spend so much time trying to give you the opportunity you deserve to excel. With us governing you there will be little to stop you from meeting your full potential, but I digress. Today's post is a cautionary tale to those of you foolish enough to flaunt the law of the land you live in by knowingly and repeatedly committing crimes. Before we start, however, we would like to explain that true supporters of the GNU Public Dictatorship work within the law to obtain their goals, not outside of it. The GNU Public Dictatorship does not encourage or coerce its supporters to do anything illegal or unethical, but instead expects complete obedience and conformity to our will from our world citizens.

Anyway, today's cautionary tale is inspired by this couple, whose admission on national TV that they regularly profited from illegal activities has finally caught up with them. While, as mentioned above, we do not support such activities, we would like to enumerate some common-sense ideas that may help avoid such embarrassment.

1. Most people, regardless of whether they are affiliated with law enforcement, watch some television. Do not assume that because there are no uniformed officers in the studio audience that none are at home listening to the show.
2. This same rule should also apply to public websites such as Facebook and YouTube. Just because you don't see the cops doesn't mean they don't see you.
3. There is no patient-doctor confidentiality when speaking to Dr. Phil in front of a television camera. You can't assume that nobody else hears what you tell him.
4. If you are going to state your income from illegal activities in public, you may want to omit the part that it is from illegal activities. Better yet, refrain from illegal activities.

We hope these guidelines have cleared up some of the confusion that caused this couple to boast about their illegal exploits in a public forum.

A clarification

A number of our supporters have written in response to this post letting us know that "rush" and "soul" are the names of products produced by Rain Nutrition. We would like to start by thanking you for attempting to keep us accurate, but we would like to state that we, in fact, know about these products. The post itself was made before we took any time to look at their site, but we soon discovered that the meaning of the mysterious sentence was much more clear than it at first appeared. We figured that our supporters would have the same experience we had, and that they would appreciate the nonsensical feel of the statement more if we didn't solve it for them. We apologize to any of our supporters who will no longer have the opportunity to discover this meaning on their own, but due to the volume of e-mail we figured we had better make a public statement.

Genius, perhaps

In the same vein as yesterday's post, some ideas are either genius or idiocy. We're not sure, but we think this automated dog wash that takes only 35 minutes and tortures your dog while it washes him or her just might be genius. But then again, we might be wrong.

Refrigerate soul?

There are times when a decision could be either a stroke of genius or a horrible error, and it is usually not clear until years later when the public's reaction to said decisions has become clear. It seems to me that advertising companies encounter these decisions more often than the rest of us, and today I encountered one of these genius/horrible mistake campaigns. On a box labeled Rain Nutrition I saw the following:

For best enjoyment refrigerate soul and rush upon delivery

I'm still not sure what it means, but it got me to visit their site. Genius or nonsense? You decide!

More about Shakespeare's time machine

For those who are interested in following our investigation into the alleged time machine created by William Shakespeare we would like to state that our inquiries have been inconclusive. It is possible that he built such a machine, but it is also possible that he did not. We can find some evidence to suggest that a man fitting Shakespeare's description has been seen in Scotland recently, but that is hardly conclusive. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of "coincidences," which is why we consider it rather interesting that Shakespeare's lost play was published right at the time these allegations have been raging. Perhaps we'll never know, but we won't rest until we do (or don't).

A successful trial!

We are pleased to report that we have conducted a successful trial of our cutting-edge seafood delivery mechanism over Australia. There are still a few kinks to work out (for example, not all of the fish survived the journey) but we are confident that our scientists will work them out very soon. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not innovative, which is why we are always striving to improve the GNU future!

A mix up? Maybe...

The individuals involved in this troubling incident are saying it was an honest mistake, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical. This operation reeks of the Parent Corporation's vile henchmen and we would not be surprised if further investigation reveals that it was, in fact, their doing.

Astro-squirrels: the future of space exploration

While the debate rages on about whether man should return to interplanetary travel and what role NASA should play in the United States' future space exploration it is good to know that alternatives are being considered. (Incidentally, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to space travel and won't be resting until we have perfected warp drive, but we understand that conventional governments are not particularly good at innovation and so we don't fault them for that). Today's innovation comes not from the private sector as many experts were expecting, but from the animal kingdom. Jane Roberts has been experimenting with preparing astro-squirrels for space flight for quite some time now, and she is about ready to let them man their first rocket. The rocket was built especially for them and has tiny nut-shaped controllers. We are unsure how Miss Roberts will understand their transmissions from space, but we are confident that she will find a way.

Were we wrong?

We have always joined the world at large in rejecting the theory that Shakespeare never, in fact, died, but instead created a time machine using pages he stole from Leonardo DaVinci's journal and traveled forward in time to live out his life in the future. There have been a few stubborn adherents to this theory, but for the most part everyone agreed. Time will tell whether it is fortunate or unfortunate, but some recent discoveries seem to suggest that perhaps Shakespeare made it this far forward in time after all. We have our operatives working on confirming or denying the stories as we speak, er, write, but we should know soon. It would explain the sporadic sightings of the Loch Ness monster (for those who don't remember, DaVinci's alleged time machine was allegedly shaped like a dinosaur of some sort), but we're still rather skeptical

No, it was not an evil plot...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry for the riots and other disturbances incited by our careless reporting of what we believed at the time was a Parent Corporation plot to steal our time from us. We are especially apologetic to those who lost friends or relatives in the ensuing chaos, but we would like to remind our supporters that it was their own reaction to their fear of the Parent Corporation that caused this tragedy.

Further research has indicated that the loss of time caused by the earthquake in Chile was not caused by the Parent Corporation at all (we are not suggesting, however, that they are not involved in similar projects and in fact we believe the Parent Corporation incited these riots in order to hide their real plans). It seems that the earthquake was caused by an overly ambitious environmental advocate who was trying to enact Daylight Saving Time on a global scale and much sooner than it is typically used. He apparently believed that the energy savings would justify the loss of life and property. He, obviously, did not live in Chile. He also, obviously, made some mistakes in calculating the magnitude of an earthquake necessary to take an hour from our days.

We have taken action to prevent future eco-terrorist attacks and hope that all of our world citizens will come to us with their ideas and not simply carry them out on a whim.

An evil plot?

We all know that the Parent Corporation has evil in mind for us, but even so we are often surprised. New intelligence shows that they have been looking at ways to shorten our days and thus require us to use their "time-saving" devices. We have thought this was all bunk, but recent statements by organizations such as Nasa about the apparent effects of the recent quake in Chile make us wonder. If they can cause a large quake (most people now agree that it was their doing) and kill hundreds of people just to take 1.26 microseconds away from us each day, we wonder where they will stop.

How not to avoid an argument

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with your domestic bliss, which is why from time to time we share some ideas to improve your relationships. Today's lesson is on how not to avoid an argument, and is based on Timothy Ray Sutton's recent experiences.

Mr. Sutton had a problem: he had given away money to someone less fortunate than himself, but he didn't think his wife would approve of his action. He had several choices, too. He could (1) tell the truth and face the consequences, (2) claim that he lost the $5 in question, or (3) claim that the money had been taken from him. In the interest of analysis we will theorize about the likely consequences of each action before moving on to Mr. Sutton's choice. If he chose to tell the truth chances are his wife would probably be angry and give him an earful. If he chose to claim that the $5 were misplaced, his wife would probably be angry and give him an earful. If he chose to claim that the money was stolen his wife would probably be sympathetic but might give him an earful for letting himself get robbed. She also might ask him to file a report with the police.

We think that most people when faced with this choice would realize that the predictable consequences, although negative, of the first two choices would be preferable to the possibly disastrous consequences of the third choice, but we also understand that the prospect of sympathy (even if it is just a possibility) can be a big draw. Unfortunately for him, Mr. Sutton chose the third choice. We don't know the details of the exchanges between him and his wife, but we do know that he chose to file a report with the police.

Most people would have realized that the police might be able to prove that no robbery occurred and would be reluctant to complicate the situation, but, presumably to avoid an argument, Mr. Sutton did just that. The police decided that his report was untrue and filed charges, transforming the $5 argument he would have had into a $1000 bond argument.

The bottom line is that we, the Board of Dictators, believe that attempting to scheme to avoid an argument is more likely a path to creating a larger argument down the road, and, unless you intend on ending your relationship before it hits the fan we recommend that you choose the simpler options that will not complicate the situation. We hope this exercise has been beneficial!

If only we knew its name...

We all know that sometimes people act in a generous way in order to receive praise or glory from others, and most of us would agree that, for instance, anonymous donors are more generous than those who ask for a wing of a building to be named after them. One such "anonymous donor" is this dog (apparently a Jack Russell terrier) who, at significant risk to itself, led police to its hiding owner. We would love to name it as a Hero of the People, but, alas, it is too modest a dog to give its name to the reporters. Thanks for inspiring us, nameless Jack Russell terrier!

Unfortunate News

It seems that, while the Parent Corporation is having to resort to unorthodox means to transport their office products, that they are not in quite so bad shape as we had initially hoped. They have pushed most of their resources into their criminal affiliates and have left but a shell to be regulated by the courts as they go through bankruptcy. We have not yet been able to persuade the courts to investigate the affiliates, but we hope we will be able to do so soon!

"Viktor" and his secret mission

It has been quite a while since "Viktor" faked his own death, and since then many things have happened. "Viktor" and the Allies have been explaining to us in some detail the events that transpired before and after the apparent death of our chief operative, and we are finally feeling comfortable with explaining to you, our loyal supporters, the reasons behind this unorthodox strategy. Before we begin we must state that the Allies have requested that we keep a number of things secret as they could aid our mutual enemies. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hesitant to be anything but "Open Source," but we understand the reasoning behind the Allies' request, and have chosen, for now, to comply.

As the Allies have been fighting the Parent Corporation since before the current members of the Board of Dictators were born, it is understandable that they were able to obtain some intelligence that we had not yet been able to get. As it turns out the Parent Corporation had been working for decades to release a new and even more sinister office product early in 2010. (We would like to state what it was, but the plans have been kept so secret that only three people have ever seen the plans, two of which are already dead. The third is "Edgar" (not the figurehead "Edgar", but the real one) and so we cannot say much about what exactly it was to be) The Allies have been working to stop it for many years, mostly by infiltrating the criminal affiliates of the Parent Corporation. It seems that last year one of their operatives was asked to get rid of "Viktor" as he was apparently getting close to finding out about the new product. There was a great deal of concern over whether he had found anything, which is apparently the motivation behind the surprise infiltration of "Edgar" into our Nevada offices in the Quisling incident last year. After they confirmed that he had not discovered anything yet, "Edgar" ordered the assassination of "Viktor."

"Viktor's" father Wolfgang was concerned that "Viktor" would kill his agent, and so he made contact with him. He explained enough of the situation that "Viktor" agreed to let himself be "killed" in the hit. Over the next few weeks he was briefed in all that the Allies were undertaking and was given an important task to perform. The rumors of "Viktor's" death reached the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and because of the way we treated his disappearance they believed that everything was going according to plan.

It was at this point that the Allies plan went down. We cannot yet talk about many aspects of it, but "Viktor" was instrumental in making sure that the Parent Corporation would not be able to recover from this blow. He obtained and destroyed the plans for the sinister office product, leaving "Edgar's" brain as the only place this evil could ever emerge from in the future. They were not able to silence "Edgar" for good, but by getting the public eye on the Parent Corporation and its finances they believe "Edgar" will not be able to make another attempt for another decade at least.

We would like to thank "Viktor" for deceiving us in the line of duty and for dealing such an important blow to our enemies. We would also like to thank the Allies for being willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of society. Many of them have already been assimilated into our intelligence crew, and Wolfgang himself is now one of our chief strategists. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with our recent progress, but we are always striving to do more!

An update on the Succession Crisis in the Kingdom of Pop

Many of you have expressed concern over the last few months that the succession crisis that has held the Kingdom of Pop in its grips since the untimely death of Michael Jackson last year has not yet been resolved. Even without an heir apparent most of us expected that the Kingdom would be up and running again by now, even if it was just a temporary government. In fact, try as we might, we have not been able to get even the most basic of services up and running again, and there is no prospect in the near future of any real measurable progress. As we said, though, it's not because we haven't been trying. Now that we have had time to go through all of the records left in the Kingdom's library we can explain a bit more about what has made this succession crisis so difficult to resolve.

First of all, the Kingdom of Pop has been in decline for many years. It was managed well for a few years, but over the years it has slipped into a nearly unrecognizable state. Many experts had hoped that with the passing of the First King of Pop there would be a chance to get the Kingdom back to its original glory, but the layers of disappointment are still being unraveled today. We aren't trying to blame Michael for this decline--that would be disrespecting him and would violate our own rules. We are, however, blaming the decline on the world's reactions to Michael's unconventional approach to government.

Beyond the generally stagnant state of the Kingdom of Pop, however, is the more pressing problem of general apathy. The subjects of the Kingdom have for so many years had a government that did not respond to what they saw as the issues affecting them that they have become apathetic. A survey of 8,192 subjects revealed that a mere 14 believed that the Kingdom of Pop needs a new king in order to function. With apathy at such high levels it is no wonder that the temporary government set up by Michael's family was never considered legitimate.

A third problem is that there are no candidates for the job that compare in any reasonable way to the former King of Pop. He was so talented, quirky, and just plain bizarre that any candidate seems sadly unqualified. Experts consider two candidates (Michael's brother Jermaine and a relatively unknown singer by the name of Arthur) as the most likely choices, but as time wears on we wonder whether the Kingdom of Pop will simply be disbanded.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the decline of the Kingdom of Pop, which is why we have offered to annex it. Considering the apparent level of apathy among its subjects, however, we fear that nothing can be done and that it will simply cease to exist over the next few years.