A Meeting with the Allies

The Allies have contacted us and offered to have our representatives meet to discuss the latest incidents between us.  They have assured us that they consider us a valuable institution in the fight against brads and that the recent actions apparently against us were not meant to harm anyone.  We have agreed to meet with them early next week and will keep you apprised of any developments.  At this point, we are a bit skeptical, but we figure we will give them a chance.  After all, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not forgiving!

It is starting to make sense...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad that we finally understand many of the problems that have led to our current human/non-human supporter crisis, and we're nothing if not thrilled that it doesn't appear to be the New Company or even the Parent Corporation.  At the same time, however, we are a bit distraught at what we have found out.

Our break came when we discovered an apparent mistake in a news article about the recent wildfires.  The first sentence explains that homes in Colorado Springs are being destroyed; not by the fire raging there but by the "wildfires raging across six US states."  As is always the case in such cases we directed our operatives to verify or dismiss the idea, and when they came back and said that it was indeed the case that all of the wildfires in the western United States at the moment are being used to destroy homes in Colorado Springs through the use of some sort of satellite heat transfer system (which, by the way, we have summarily destroyed) we began our investigation in earnest.  It turns out that the heat transfer system was registered to an entity calling itself "Allied Solutions" and that it had been created over the last two years without fanfare and had been advertised as a weather monitoring system  (one of our operatives had discovered the heat transfer system and had used his influence to get his message printed in the new article.  Unfortunately, he is now missing and presumed dead).  We won't go into all of the gory details of the investigation, but, as you may have guessed, "Allied Solutions" doesn't really exist.  The paper trail we did discover (we got the jump on them by acting more quickly than they had expected) led us to some familiar names and faces, and before long we found ourselves looking at the group we had called the Allies.

We had thought the Allies were with us, and they have proven useful in our fight against brads, but we have never fully understood their motivations.  If the trail that we discovered has not been tampered with, it appears that they have been trying to use the wildfires to drive home the point that humans will defend their own habitats much more quickly than they will defend the habitats of non-humans, and that therefore our promise of equal rights for all is nothing more than political posturing.  We are deeply saddened by this libelous accusation and hope that we have misunderstood.  The trail showed further evidence that many of the other incidents that have strained relations among our supporters were instigated by their operatives.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, but we must also admit that, as in any decision, a variety of factors are considered when limited resources are applied to problems such as wildfires.  In general, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.  When the ones exerting their efforts are the few, however, the equation often reverses.  We ask all of our human and non-human supporters to come together and understand that we do believe we can all live together in harmony and peace.

A Conversation with a Cuttlefish

After Datasect posted his comments on this post we decided to talk to the cuttlefish he suspected may be behind the recent conflicts between our human and our other supporters.  Our investigation is by no means complete, but the following conversation with one representative of our cuttlefish supporters was very interesting, which is why we have reproduced it below.

Lest you think we are confused, we don't believe cuttlefish can talk.  We understand that they do not have vocal chords, and that the sounds they produce have never been deciphered as language.  In order to communicate with them we attached electrodes to various locations on their bodies and used an algorithm developed by Count Quisling to translate the signals into speech.  The algorithm is not perfect, but it is better than nothing.  Here is our conversation:

Tim: Hello, loyal cuttlefish.  Can you understand me?
Cuttlefish: Yes, Tim dictator. I understand very well.
Tim: Excellent.  Do you have a name?
Cuttlefish: Yes, some people tell me Crktdwk.
Tim: I will address you as Crktdwk, then.  Crktdwk, are you aware of the currently strained relations between human and non-human supporters of the GNU Public Dictatorship?
Crktdwk: I read a blog, and met with numerous dark brown, some people very angry supporters of the GNU General Public dictatorship.
Tim: I am sorry to hear about the dark brown.  Have you heard of any organized movements in your fellow cuttlefish or other species with which you may have interacted?
Crktdwk: I said, my brother Gtplnwk octopus, swimming pool, on the internet, and tried, but I is compacted of gross domestic product (GDP), an accident, to joint efforts.
Tim: I'm sorry, Crktdwk, I don't think I understood that.  Did the compacted gross domestic product of the swimming pool anger an octopus and lead to efforts to organize?
Crktdwk: My message was translated to the campaign, and I do not have an organized movement, literally. Contract mad cow big octopus and gross national product (GDP).
Tim: I understand that you are not affiliated with any organized movements.  Are you saying that the movement is trying to infect humans with mad cow disease via big octopi?  I guess they got angry about the economic crisis humans created?
Crktdwk: It is not impossible. I'm mad cow octopus, or refuses to call me again to talk about it. Seafood are you?
Tim: No, I am not seafood.  We will have our operatives investigate the viability of transmitting mad cow through octopi.  If they call you again to talk, let us know.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making the world a better place for all of its inhabitants.
Crktdwk: Now you can be fishing? Personally I am tired of the dictatorship of the GNU discussion. I will not eat. Hey, now.
Tim: I think you are wise to not eat seafood.  We will be fishing for clues right away.  Hey, now!
Crktdwk: the.

As you can see, the translation is far from perfect, but at least we now have some leads to investigate.  Who would have thought the economic crisis brought on by humans would have angered the octopi enough to devise a method to use themselves to spread mad cow disease to unsuspecting humans.  Perhaps we should, in the short term, follow Crktdwk's advice, and not eat.  Caution may be the best choice, after all!

This is starting to get ridiculous

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not anxious for everything to return to normal, which is why it irks us so when incidents such as this petty lawsuit continue to complicate relations between our human and non-human supporters.

Ever since Kofi Annan brokered the human/non-human ceasefire we have had hopes that this volatile relationship would right itself, but neither side has been willing to implement the peace plan.  Both sides are apparently employing gangs of thugs to do their dirty work, and animal attacks on humans have been steadily rising over the last few weeks.  Violence against animals is harder to quantify as various forms of torture and murder of many animal species are routinely permitted in the otherwise civilized world.  Differentiating between "sport" and "retaliation" is a challenge that has proven too difficult for now.

What is worse, our observers have been coming under attack and we believe it may not be safe to keep them where they are.  The situation is rapidly developing into a civil war, or, perhaps worse, a schism.

For years our enemies have dreamed of dividing us, but we have held steady.  Our triumphs over the last few years are a testament to the dedication of our supporters, and we could not have made it this far without the spirit of unity that usually pervades our efforts.  Let us not give in to our enemies' plans to divide us, but let us go forward united against evil.  United we stand, divided we fall, etc., etc.

Anyway, if the situation continues to worsen we fear we may have to discipline our less-cooperative supporters.  We don't want it to get so out of hand that we have to take arms against our own supporters, but if it comes to that be assured that we will win.

Again, can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed that more of our supporters aren't letting bygones be bygones and moving on.  A recent string of events including, but not limited to an unfortunate incident where a moose was used as ammunition in a dastardly attack, an apparently retaliatory raid on a backyard party by a herd of cows, and several other incidents including sheep abuse, and mutant super-hens has apparently caused a significant rift in our supporters.  Our supporters have always been a diverse group, but we have always been able to see past our differences.  The recent introduction of the Orvillecopter appeared to be just what we needed to reset relations between the two groups, but, sadly, our supporters are still divided.

Case in point, BiBi and Poldi, who have begun fighting after a century-long romance.  Zoo officials are baffled at their falling out.  Our operatives, however, have confirmed that BiBi is more sympathetic to the cause of non-human supporters of the GPD (she believes we are saying that some are more equal than others), while Poldi believes the movement is primarily a human one, and that humans are more important to it than non-human supporters.  Our operatives attempted to resolve the conflict, but were unable to convince them that both of their arguments make sense.  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, which is why we will fight abuses in any form, regardless of who or what is being abused, especially when we find that the GPD is responsible for the abuse.  At the same time, current generations of cows have not demonstrated an organizational ability sufficient to combat the Parent Corporation and its evil affiliates or even the New Company with its minimal resources.  As such, the cows, while a full part of our movement, do rely heavily on the human members of the GPD.

We understand that the debate will rage on, but we do hope that our supporters can unite to face our common enemies very soon.  We don't have enough evidence to state it categorically yet, but we believe the New Company may be behind this recent string of divisive events, and it would be a shame to let them win simply because we can't all just get along.

Catcopter!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why we were excited to learn of Bart Jansen's plans to turn his late pet cat into a remote control helicopter.  We were also a bit apprehensive as we weren't sure whether the helicopter would be a fitting memorial for his beloved cat, especially if he couldn't make it fly well, but our fears were allayed when we saw the finished product.  We know that tensions are high right now between our human and our other supporters, and that there have been several unfortunate incidents, but we ask now that all of our supporters unite behind the glory that is the Orvillecopter!

Oh, and the Parent Corporation has filed for separation from the New Company citing too many philosophical differences.  We are not surprised, especially as the Parent Corporation has been nearly driven into the ground by the Crafties and their zealous leader "Jack."  It appears that the schism has put some pressure on "Gertrude" and we're not sure she will remain CEO of the New Company, but our operatives think it likely that she will play a large role in shaping their vision regardless of what position she ends up in.  While both entities present a threat to world peace we believe that the New Company poses more of an immediate threat, but we will continue to keep you informed of any interesting bits of information our operatives glean about the goals of either entity.

Mutant super-hens?

In the ongoing conflict among human and non-human world citizens, it would be easy to overlook some apparently insignificant clues.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not thorough.  Recently we discovered a plot by some unscrupulous farmers with no apparent ties to the Parent Corporation to create super-hens.  As of yet their attempts have been unsuccessful, but more importantly, we have finally established the link we were missing.  One of the hens being tested on used to belong to a separatist group of the Parent Corporation.  We believe that it received its "modifications" there, and we hope that this means the farmers were just lucky to get the mutant hens and do not have an active research program capable of creating them.  Incidentally, the Parent Corporation hasn't been observed in super-hen trials since their spectacular failure in 2003.  We will do our best to keep you appraised of any new developments!

Can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened when insignificant conflicts escalate beyond a reasonable level.  A case in point was the recent retaliation against some sheep, apparently for the incident where cows overstepped their authority.  We regret this incident and hope it will lead to no more suffering on the part of our supporters, human or otherwise.