How not to get cited for DUI

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to being responsible citizens, even if the current governments available fall short of the perfection we are offering the world. We do not support the avoidance of responsibility or the shirking of duties, but we do like to point out inefficiencies in the current system and ways that people could easily exploit it--not so that people will exploit them, but so that the so-called authorities will stop them from being so effective. Anyway, I digress. The reason I'm posting this today is that this recent case in Minnesota illustrates an interesting strategy for avoiding being cited for DUI. We're not sure everyone could exploit this loophole, and certainly those who do not own a dog would have trouble using it, and another problem is that you would have to be drunk enough to throw up and simultaneously be aware enough to blame it on your dog. We have our statisticians working right now on finding the percentage of people cited with DUI that could have avoided the citation using this strategy, so hopefully we'll soon know the real impact of this loophole.

Discrimination

We're still investigating this incident, but we would like to state that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against discrimination, and we would like to remind people that it is usually a good idea to reserve judgment until you are sure that the message you received was the message that was sent. More specifically, please ask yourself whether anyone would ever state that they want to bring their "gay dog" into the restaurant before making conclusions.

An environmental solution

There are days when some of us begin to wonder whether we are pursuing the appropriate environmentally-friendly policies. After all, they are rather complex and they do interfere with business growth. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are committed to responsible use of the earth and its resources, which is why we are always looking for things we can do better. Innovation, this time, has come from the Chinese. Instead of spending exorbitant amounts of money to clean up or move landfills away from population centers, the Chinese have simply been spraying deodorant on them. We are still evaluating the full effects of this treatment, but we are encouraged by the dramatically reduced costs versus moving the garbage away from the population. Here's hoping this innovation can be copied elsewhere!

More of what's wrong with the current system

One of the reasons the GNU Public Dictatorship has helped shape the economic collapse of recent years is so that we can replace the system with a better one. Many of our supporters have complained that we haven't reached our final goals yet, but we suggest patience. After all, at least we're not doing what the SEC enforcers did as the economy was failing. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about improvement, however slow it may seem!

An apology

I must apologize for not posting more regularly over the last few weeks. I have been deeply involved in negotiations for the release of the 7,500 souls acquired earlier this month by the British firm Game Station. Now that they have finally agreed to release their claim to the souls so deceptively captured I think we can just about get back to normal. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against deceptive practices, which is why we champion the open-source government model. With a little persistence and a lot of hard drive space you could become your own auditor of our government!

At Last the Code is Cracked!

As many of our readers already know, I have been doing an in depth study of transmission lines in an attempt to intercept the radio communication of the Parent Corporation. For months the transmissions intercepted all seemed like meaningless theater. Then I ran across a badly translated quote from "Double Falshood", Shakespeare's New Play:
"Where they were eyes, voice, several enchantments,
Each particle of beauteous, each admittance without the name,
The parents of love it does shine intensively? [Vs] these in by it,
It regards, it was not: but disease in me,
That wished admittances in to it. " (From Act II, Scene III)

It is unclear as to the message of this particular passage, but it soon became evident that they were broadcasting various strategically chosen parts of the play. We discovered that there is a close parallel of it's plot to our search for Lord Victorious. There is much valuable information which can be learned through a closer study of the play.

A misprint? Or a subtle racial missive?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to equality, which is why when we see subtle discrimination passed off as "mistakes" or "typographical errors" we are generally quite suspicious. While we understand that it may have been a mistake, this cookbook that instructs readers to add freshly ground black people to your tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto, we suspect that someone had an agenda, especially since the only way we got our spell checker to suggest "people" instead of "pepper" was when we spelled it "peeple" and anyone knows that while e and r are next to each other on the traditional keyboard l is on the other side entirely. I guess it's possible that the writer was using the Dvorak layout, where r and l are neighbors, but since nobody uses the Dvorak layout that seems unlikely.

What's wrong with society

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to an ever-improving society, which is why we cringe when we hear of others working against us. We are especially disappointed that Story, Indiana continues to encourage idiocy with their "village idiot" award (which comes with a US$100 bar tab). This year's winner set her hair on fire while lighting a cigarette, which is hardly the sort of act that should be encouraged.

Clerical error? maybe...

Everyone knows about Indonesia's early adoption of parity for typewritten messages, which is why the "clerical error" reported in this article smells fishy. It's always possible that there was a double error which rendered the parity check useless, but if they would just adopt a more sophisticated system (checksums or CRCs, maybe) then we could know for sure whether it was simply an error.

Letting Sleeping Professors Lie

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about protecting productive members of society from miscreants who try their best to harm or discourage others, which is why we have been pushing for nose-recognition devices at airports and other public places. We were pleased to find that these devices were used to ascertain that professor Kris Lines posed no threat to the airplane he fell asleep on, but we were less thrilled to hear that he was left on the plane after it was moved into a hangar. Even with mild outdoor temperatures the temperature inside a parked car can climb much more quickly than you might expect. We urge caution in leaving children or professors in parked aircraft, even if you don't plan to take long.

When not to ask the police for assistance

We know that for most of you this post will be an utter waste of time, but if you are one of our supporters that thought this would be a waste of time we ask you to read just a bit further to avoid making the same mistake John White did. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not law-abiding, which is why we definitely do not condone illegal activity, but we would like to let you know that if you are going to perform an illegal act and leave a slip of paper with an address at the crime scene it might not be such a good idea to flag down a policeman to ask directions to said address, even if the officer doesn't happen to be the one investigating the crime you committed. If we can prevent just one slip-up of this nature, we will feel that we are making a difference in the world!

The cure for hayfever

For all of our supporters who are persistently plagued by annoying ticklings in your noses each spring there is finally relief! A Japanese firm has released a ring tone scientifically designed to encourage the pollen to drop out of your nose. You may have to call yourself occasionally, and you may have to walk around with your phone under your nose, but at least you can get rid of those extra tissues!

New supporters

We hate to count our chickens before they hatch, but we think that you, our loyal supporters, should know that Juliana and I have been working tirelessly to increase the number of our supporters. I have been working on a plan that will increase support in one region by approximately 50%, and Juliana has been working on another region where the absolute increase will be similar, but due to a slightly larger existing support pool will amount to an approximately 33% increase in support. We have been working on these deals for nearly nine months now, and it is great to see them come to fruition. Oh, and don't worry. They won't cause the island of Guam to capsize.

Too much confidence?

We didn't report on this yesterday lest our supporters mistake a completely serious post for an April Fool's Day joke, but we probably should have posted it anyway.

As it turns out a group of pirates in the Indian Ocean were looking for someone to hijack and saw the USS Nicholas, a US warship. Sensing an easy victory they deployed their skiff and commenced firing on the warship. Somehow in the fray the warship was able to disable and sink the skiff after taking the pirates prisoner. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not surprised by the pirates' show of confidence in this incident, but we believe it highlights an important misconception in the groups of people wishing to overthrow the current oppressive governments and looking to replace them with something, well, like the New Future. As we have repeatedly stated, the GNU Public Dictatorship is nothing if not committed to change, but we don't think it is a good idea to confront "The Man" head on. Bringing knives to a gunfight might be fun, but it probably won't end well. We prefer to work our change through subtle methods, pulling the strings of the economy and governments. It has worked well for us so far, anyway!