"Mentor" (For real this time)

From time to time we here at the GNU Public Dictatorship like to help our faithful world citizens out by telling them what we know about the people who are trying to manipulate them and control them, since at the GPD we are nothing if not concerned about helping you fit in to our organization and achieve your potential.  To that end, we are now going to share what we have learned about the man who goes by the pseudonym "Mentor" and leads a group called the Society.

First of all, we know that "Mentor" is a man and that his name at birth was Franklin Thigpen.  He was born into indigent circumstances in the mountains of Tennessee, but he soon discovered something that helped him rise above those humble beginnings and make something of himself.  He claims that it was the Secrets which are encoded in a 1216-page Manuscript that he got from a secret society, and that when he discovered them he came into himself.  Our research was inconclusive as to the cause of his sudden change of fortune.

Anyway, for the last few years Franklin a.k.a "Mentor" has been sharing the Secrets with those he considered worthy of his attention and helping them to achieve their own potential.  Secret societies are terrible at record keeping, so we have been unable to confirm that he has helped several million people as he claims, but we do know from financial records we were able to acquire that he has sold several copies of the Manuscript.  Recently Franklin read about evil office products on this forum, and, instead of heeding our warnings, decided that they were just the thing to bend people to his will.  We have had him under surveillance since he offered to by the New Company's interests in evil office products, and we have found that he is truly a force to be reckoned with.  He has a group of loyal followers that already do his will without questioning him, and if he can get more "loyal" followers by getting them dependent on his office products we will have a formidable enemy on our hands.  We are asking all of our loyal World Citizens to join us in educating the public about the dangers of evil office products so that we can keep "Mentor" from becoming a serious threat to the New Future!

"Mentor"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to your safety, which is why we are writing this post for your enlightenment.  As you may have already guessed based on the very succinct title of this post, it is about "Mentor", the leader of the Society, which has recently purchased the brads, hole punches, and evil stickers division from the New Company.  We were waiting for the deal to be complete before posting, but it has come to our attention that "Mentor" knew what he was getting into when he bought the evil office products.  Both "Edgar" and "Natasha" warned him of the nefarious uses and symbolism in the products, and he told them that he knew and that he was trying to expand his empire in "any way possible."

We are disappointed that "Edgar" and "Natasha" chose to sell their interest in evil office products rather than to destroy the company, but we understand that, while they both have battled addiction to these instruments of destruction that they don't feel the same moral imperative to protect others from the same fate that we, the GPD's Board of Dictators, feel.

What, you may ask, is going to be our relationship with the New Company moving forward?  How very astute of you to ask.  The truth of the matter is that we don't know how things are going to work out, but that we are still in negotiations with "Edgar" and "Natasha" to get them to stop opposing us.  It is challenging, however, as we expect them to give into our demands while we are unwilling to give into their demands.  It is, unfortunately, a common way for negotiations to go these days.  At the GPD we are nothing if not hopeful that they will come around to seeing things our way in the near future and that we will be able to include them in the New Future.  In the meantime, though, we have policies in place that allow them to operate without interference as long as they don't interfere with us.

If you have made it this far you may be asking yourself why this post was titled "Mentor" when it has had very little to do with him up to this point.  The answer to that question is that we titled the post before we wrote it, and due to a provision in our editor's policy manual we are unable to change the title of the post after we have submitted it for review.  Next time we just won't submit it for review at all!

New developments

At the GNU Public dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be announcing the new developments that we have recently uncovered, which is why we are taking the time to compose this post detailing the important discoveries we are talking about.  When we last posted we had two open questions that have now been resolved, at least in part.  The first was the identity of the investor that bought the brads, evil stickers, and hole punches from the New Company.  The second was whether the League and the Society are the same organization or different, competing movements within a larger coalition.

The answer to the first question is that the investor who bought the evil office products division of the New Company was none other than the subject of the second question, The Society.  The answer to the second question is that the League and the Society are both extant organizations and members of the single Coalition.  It appears that the League has been operating longer, and has been spreading the Secrets and the Manuscript to worthy and faithful members of society.  One of those members, whose given name is still a little unclear, but who goes by the pseudonym of "Mentor", decided to buy a franchise from the League.  Unfortunately, due to arcane copyright restrictions, his franchise couldn't use the name of the original League as run by "Tom", so he came up with the Society.  The two organizations are the primary members of the Coalition, which appears to be made up of at least seven different organizations that revere the same Secrets and Manuscript.  If you consider their beliefs and methods, each of these organizations might as well be the same organization.  The differences arise in the personalities of their leaders.  "Mentor" has apparently taken a shine to evil office products, but what he intends to do with them is unclear as of yet.  "Tom" did send "Mentor" a note last week informing him that his latest purchase is of an evil nature, but we haven't seen a reply from "Mentor" yet.

You can be sure that we will let you know more about the Coalition and their methods, goals, and investments as we learn more about them.  At the GPD we are nothing if not happy to share with you!

A sale!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thrilled that, as per their recent press release, The Company has sold off its brad and hole punch divisions to an "investor" for a mere pittance.  The "investor" remains anonymous as yet, but our operatives have confirmed that he appears to have no connections to the Brad Guys or the Brotherhoods of the Hole Punch, Unholy or Reformed.

We will be studying this "investor" closely to see what he does with these implements of evil, but it is good that we no longer have to disapprove of "Edgar" or "Natasha" as they have finally made good on their promise to not use evil office products to rule the world.  We will, however, still have to disapprove of their rival attempt to rule the world, but we will continue to make appropriate gestures of goodwill to let them know that if they will abandon their foolish enterprise which is doomed to failure anyway, that we will accept them as world citizens in the New Future!

Interesting developments

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited to report on my latest research project, even though there is little of substance to report.  At about the time we were subjected to the PBJ DDoS attack last year, I began receiving invitations to join an elite society referred to only as "The League."  I didn't mention anything here in this forum as I wasn't sure yet whether they were allied with our enemies or whether they are an independent force in the world, but I did start infiltrating their ranks.  It appears that the infamous Churro Note was simply their way of asking us to investigate them.  In the intervening months I have been awarded membership and given "The Secrets" that are supposed to help a person succeed and control the laws of chance and give them other superpowers like being able to read minds and control outcomes of complex situations.  Unfortunately, "The Secrets" are in code, and we have our best code breakers working on them right now.  What makes this interesting, however, is that in the days since "The Secrets" were delivered to me, "The League" has stopped contacting me, and an organization calling itself "The Society" is asking me if I have decoded "The Secrets" they gave me yet.

Whether the band of individuals called "The League" has become "The Society" or whether they have merely been supplanted by a rival faction remains to be seen.  Perhaps they are competing groups built upon the same principals but headed by different individuals, or perhaps they are just not sure what to call themselves.  You can rest assured, however, that the GPD will not rest until we know the answers to these important questions, and when we have decoded the mysterious "Secrets" for the benefit of all!

"Elections" results

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sad to report that none of the candidates for membership in the Board of Dictators were accepted in this round of "elections".

• Jill Quispe Gonzales Noot was eliminated as she did not pass the guest writer trial
• Eero Smith was eliminated as he refused to keep "Natasha's" true mission a secret until it had played out.  He will be released from the GNU Public Dungeons as soon as his ride arrives.
• Dak Mueller was eliminated when it was found that the sleep number he reported on his application did not match the sleep number he typically uses.  This came to light when the sleep number bed he was sleeping on was found at a 23 instead of the 26 that he had reported.  Unfortunately for him, the surveillance images of the bed did not support his story that "I am Dak and someone must have changed it!"  He was caught changing it in his sleep, and when our researchers finished vetting his story about choosing his sleep number it became clear that he occasionally has lapses in his memory and isn't reliable enough to be a member of the Board of Dictators.

We hope that all of our loyal supporters will begin the process of applying for our next election now so that you will fare better than this year's finalists!

News about "Natasha"

In the weeks since our finalist Eero wrote in this forum, we have found much out about our former operative "Natasha."  In fact, we found so much about her that we had to stop posting for a while so as not to jeopardize her plans.

Eero wrote that we had found that "Natasha" was asking about jobs in the fledgling combination brad/hole punch industry, and that was the truth.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry that we had to mislead you and Eero, but the reasons behind her inquiry were not what we told Eero to report in his post.  In fact, "Natasha" was trying to crush the fledgling industry before it got started, which is why she was trying to cozy up to all of the players.  While it is true that the money wasn't there for this doubly devilish office doohickey, it is also true that bad ideas like this sometimes flourish, especially when backed by evil conspiracies.  When we realized what "Natasha" was doing we contacted her and coordinated our responses.  We simply pretended to be busy and not posting regularly, and "Natasha" continued her operation.  We are pleased to announce that her operation was a success, and that all of the backers of the combination brad/hole punch have abandoned their investments and are looking elsewhere.

On another note, "Natasha" claims that "Edgar" has restructured the New Company to isolate the brad and hole punch revenue in a subsidiary that she claims he intends to sell.  If this information is reliable (and you can be sure we will find out whether it is reliable) then our relationship with "Edgar," "Natasha," and the New Company is entering new territory.  It may be that our only real conflict with them is who should be in charge of the New Future!

Guest Writer: Eero Smith

At the GNU Public Dictatorship they are nothing if not excited to see what I will post, which is why they have given me the opportunity to write to this forum.  Much has been going on in the world since the GPD's last posts, and I am going to try to help you, their faithful supporters, to understand how it will impact you.

At the GPD they are nothing if not opposed to senseless violence, or senseless anything, for that matter, which is why they join with the people of France in sympathy for their losses in the recent attacks on the satirical magazine that offended some people.  At the GPD they are nothing if not careful to not offend people, or at least to not offend supporters.  They don't have any problem offending their enemies, which is how it should be.

At the GPD they are also nothing if not dedicated to finding out what the full story with "Natasha" is, which is why they have been studying transcripts of her phone calls and other communications for the last year.  Some of their less-loyal supporters may be disturbed to know that they have transcripts of phone calls, but they assure me that nobody who is loyal to the GPD has anything to worry about.  The transcripts are so numerous that the effort required to analyze them is prohibitive unless there is some hint of disloyalty or potential addiction to brads.  Over the last few days they have discovered that "Natasha" is bored because she feels unfulfilled in her current life, and that she wants more.  She asked a friend, who we shall not name, if there were any positions open in the fledgling industry of combination brad/hole punches.  The market is only now emerging, as a response to posts like this one, which attempt to show how fun brads and hole punches can be.  "Natasha" was told that she could volunteer, but the money isn't there yet, thankfully.  Anyway, it is clear from the transcripts that "Natasha" isn't trying to rejoin the GPD for ideological reasons as she would clearly not be trying to find a job in such an offensive field if she was.  It is clear at this point that "Natasha" is simply looking for social fulfillment wherever she can get it.

At the GPD they are nothing if not pleased that the only remaining mystery surrounding this whole affair is the source of the churro note!

Jill Quispe Gonzalez Noot

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to bringing you the best information possible, which is why we regret that it has been so long since we have posted in this forum.  We have had several posts ready to go, but we were going to give our second finalist, Jill Quispe Gonzalez Noot, an opportunity to be a guest writer.  She has written several drafts and had them approved by our panel of experts, but in each case she has deleted the post and started over.  For the first few days we figured this was an expression of her perfectionism, but now after weeks of stalling we understand that Jill doesn't have what it takes to post to this forum.  She second-guesses what she writes and doesn't have the confidence to put it out there anyway.  Unfortunately, this means that Ms. Quispe Gonzalez Noot has not passed the guest writer trial and will no longer be considered for membership in the Board of Dictators.  Her resume will be passed on to our other departments, as her passion and skills may serve her well somewhere else, but you won't be seeing a guest post from her here, and she will definitely not be "elected" into the Board of Dictators.