The Contradiction that is "Gertrude"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we weren't able to release this information any sooner.  Our operatives confirmed to our satisfaction yesterday that "Gertrude" (the new CEO of the New Company) is, in fact, a woman.  Since the New Company was created it has tirelessly promoted brads and other office products, and, perhaps more interestingly, has created several shrines to brads.  They don't appear to have been able to organize anything as widespread as the Brad Guys, but they have created an atmosphere in which near-religious adoration of the evil office product is not simply tolerated but promoted.  They have not yet been able to get brad production back to their peak levels, but they are slowing the decline.  In short, they are a worthy opponent.  The Parent Corporation, on the other hand, appears to be stagnant, with  "Jack" showing a complete lack of direction.  Hole punch use is declining rapidly, and our operatives assure us that no new plans are afoot from either the Parent Corporation or the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.

With this resurgence of the New Company it is, of course, incumbent upon us to prevent their success.  Our focus, therefore, has been in understanding our new enemy and the New Company's plans for the future.  In this process we have repeatedly come up against the apparent contradiction that a group dedicated to a misogynistic symbol would allow a woman to lead.  Now that we have shown that "Gertrude" is, in fact, a woman, we have to face this contradiction.  We cannot at this time fully reconcile the situation, but we do have a theory we are pursuing.  Perhaps misogyny is now considered passe, with a preference for a more Darwinist "survival of the fittest" philosophy.  If this is the case a strong woman is essentially the same as the old symbol for male dominance.  We can't say for sure right now, but we can say that we will let you know as soon as we have cracked the mystery that is "Gertrude".

Yuri Ivanov

We would like to formally congratulate Yuri Ivanov for his extraordinary efforts to help world citizens in the former Soviet Socialist Republics.  His tireless enthusiasm for what is Right and True have earned him the Hero of the People award, which is reserved for those world citizens whose contributions significantly advance the cause of the GNU Public Dictatorship.  Congratulations, Yuri.

Yuri was born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1919.  His childhood was mostly unremarkable as he worked with his family in a subsistence farm.  The creation of the Ukranian Soviet Socialist Republic had little effect on his family, as did the merger with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics a few years later.  In fact, Yuri and his family were about as far from politics as was possible.  He never attended formal schooling, but he often wrote letters to his local government officials asking them to take action to stop the spread of pernicious office implements and to educate the public on the ill effects these had on society.  His efforts were mostly ignored, but in 1933 he was formally asked to stop petitioning on the matter.  He was quite frustrated and retreated into himself.  He saved up enough money to buy a wagon and became a travelling salesman.  While he did make enough to subsist on, his real goal was to spread his message to villagers everywhere.  He was successful in avoiding notice for many years, but in 1938 he was again asked to stop spreading such nonsense.  Frustrated with his local government he moved around frequently, always encountering government officials who, sometimes politely, sometimes not so politely, asked him to stop preaching "his new religion."

For many years Yuri avoided the government officials (and the second World War) and built relationships with villagers all around the USSR.  He learned many trades and earned three doctorates and several other advanced degrees (but couldn't receive them officially because he was not in good favor with the government) in diverse subjects such as metallurgy, political science, and nutrition.

When we first met Yuri in 1999 we were astounded at the clarity with which he perceived the problems with brads and hole punches, and we offered him a position on the Board of Dictators.  He declined, saying that the years were beginning to wear him down and he didn't want the fame that would come with such an appointment.  Instead, he helped establish several local GPD chapters.  Once he had got them up and running Yuri decided to become an operative, and his intelligence has been instrumental on many occasions in thwarting the enemies of the people.  Yuri is turning 93 this year and has officially retired from his responsibilities so that he can focus on his decoupage.  Yuri has been a great asset and has been tireless in spreading our message even before we were born.  Thanks, Yuri, you really are a Hero of the People.

We're back!

It may have seemed to some that we had abandoned our supporters and gone to live in our underground bunkers where we plan to weather the nuclear holocaust which will ensue if the Parent Corporation or its affiliates decide to pursue nuclear weapons, but, thankfully, this is not the case.

We have been incommunicado for a few weeks, but things are proceeding in a fairly ordinary manner and there is very little to report.  We stopped posting to this forum for a while after we discovered an insidious program that was apparently rewriting our posts.  After we discovered its origins we observed it for a while and, now that we have discovered how it works and have disabled it we are able to post again.

As for some updates:

• Construction on the new GNU Public Parking Garage has been delayed again as our engineers still haven't solved all of the problems associated with allowing those parking there to reconfigure the parking garage to suit their needs.
• The New Company has named a new CEO, who is known only as "Gertrude".  We find it vexing that they have apparently embraced women as leaders in the workplace while still holding to their beliefs about brads which are the embodiment of gender-based discrimination.  Of course we have yet to confirm that "Gertrude" is a woman...
• Yuri Ivanov has just been named Hero of the People for his work in the former Soviet Socialist Republics.  We will have a more formal announcement and a biographical sketch as soon as he receives his award.

Thanks again for your patience. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be free to post again!