An explanation

Many of you have written in to complain that yesterday's post by Dak did not conform to the GNU Public Dictatorship's style guide.  At the GPD we are nothing if not consistent, which is why we are deeply sorry that the lack of consistency in the post caused some of you angst.  At the same time, we feel it would be unfair to judge Dak based on one post, and we feel that you should all know a little about him.

Dak Mueller was born in a small house outside No Name, Colorado in 1976.  The day and month are lost to history, but we were able to confirm that it preceded the election of Jimmy Carter as President of the United States by at least two weeks.  His parents were employed at the Glenwood Canyon Resort, and he was often able to see the dangers of brads as those who carried them often ended up puncturing their river rafts.  When he discovered the GNU Public Dictatorship in the early 1990s he quickly organized a community organization to stop the spread of brads in the area, and was quite successful.

Unfortunately, Dak was involved in an accident caused by a driver using a hole punch instead of paying attention, and he was left in a coma for several days.  Upon emerging from the coma it was discovered that Dak had recovered nearly completely, but that for some reason he would insert the phrase "I am Dak" in written and spoken communication with alarming frequency.  He is currently receiving therapy to reduce the number of times he inserts that phrase, but we would like to let you know that you should cut him a little slack and not get too upset if his communications feel a little rough to you.  If he does become a member of the Board of Dictators we will certainly provide him with an editor that will help reduce the frequency of his signature phrase!

Guest Writer: Dak Mueller

Greetings, supporters of the GNU Public Dictatorship.  I am Dak, and I have some information for you.  Most of you have been following the mysterious messages we received last month, and we have been receiving inquiries about the subject for the last few weeks.  I am Dak, and I have been authorized to share with you what the GNU Public Dictatorship's operatives have found in their investigations.

Operatives were able to reach "Natasha" a few days after the GPD received the strange communications, but she was unwilling to comment on the messages, which is why the investigation expanded elsewhere.  I am Dak, and I can tell you that yesterday "Natasha" made contact with the GPD and let them know that she was not involved in the churro note, but that the message encoded on the applications that showed a representation of a churro was from her, and she congratulated the GPD on finding the message when it did.  Apparently she has been very bored lately and decided that she could have some fun by hiding a message and watching what happened.  I am Dak, and I can tell you that she had expected the GPD to fail to decode the message, and that she was trying to decide whether to take responsibility for several weeks now.  The GPD is not sure yet why she decided to come forward now, but they are pleased that part of the mystery is solved.  There remain at least two more mysteries, however:

1. Why is "Natasha" so bored?
2. Who sent the churro note?

I am Dak, and I am authorized to say that the GPD will let you all know when they have satisfactory information!

The Finalists

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to announce the names of the finalists in this year's "election."  It is difficult to choose among such well-qualified applicants, but we have used all of the resources at our disposal to whittle the list down, including automated resume scanners, fraud detection algorithms, sleep number verification systems, panels of experts, and ask.com (although ask.com was uncharacteristically unhelpful when we asked it which candidate it recommended.  In fact, it started providing references to sites with titles such as "Electoral fraud."  We are disappointed with ask.com's performance in this task, and may have to ask it to either attend some training or seek a new position).  Here are this year's finalists:

- Dak Mueller of No Name, Colorado, USA.  Dak has been involved in the GNU Public Dictatorship's community outreach programs since the late 1990's, and has been instrumental in preventing brads and hole punches from reaching his community.  His application for membership in the Board of Dictators is one of the neatest we have ever seen.
-Jill Quispe Gonzalez Noot, of Biddinghuizen in the Netherlands.  Jill has a colorful history that she will hopefully share with you all.  It wouldn't be doing her justice to try to explain it in a single paragraph.
-Eero Smith of Stony Mountain, Alberta, Canada.  Eero's essays really stood out and made up for his lack of formal training in the arts of propaganda and control of world events.

That's it for this year.  As you can see, all three are from smaller towns this year, a trend that we found interesting but could not explain.  We are glad to have such qualified candidates and look forward to their biographical sketches and attempts at post to this forum!