A concerted effort to sully our reputation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we are constantly working to make the world a better place.  Because of our passion for results, we have often worked extremely long hours to ensure that your world is safe for you.  Most of you know this and are understandably very grateful to us for our magnanimity, but a recent trend is threatening to sully our reputation.  Daniel recently discovered a new "GNU Skin" factory.  Until now we weren't sure whether they were trying to sully our reputation of that of Nu Skin Enterprises, but now we can state categorically that they were trying to convince investors that that were connected to the GPD.  We have discovered many things about GNU Skin, but I'll leave those for future posts.  Let it suffice that they are involved in the manufacture of many of the technologies used in creating the grebans we discovered last week.  We don't think there is an imminent threat from GNU Skin as it sits right now, but we do recommend that you follow common sense practices such as the ones Daniel outlined if you do find yourself in contact with someone from GNU Skin or any other person that claims to represent the GPD.

The title of this post mentions that this is a concerted effort, and many of you may be asking yourselves why I would title it that way and mention but a single incident.  Surely a single incident is no concerted effort.  Those of you who are asking yourselves these questions should report to your local GPD offices as soon as you can to request a course in patience (ask for course PAT-1267J), because I'm about to get to the rest of it.  Apparently there are a number of products, companies, and organizations now using the adjectives "GNU" or "New" to describe themselves.  We were already aware of The New Company, which split off from the Parent Corporation recently, but we hadn't realized that the name of the New Company was intended to convey to the  average world citizen that they were associated with the New Future.  While there are too many to list here, we'll mention a few of the larger organizations we have discovered:

• Citizens for a New Direction - a political action committee in Georgia, USA, dedicated to changing the state's laws in such a way that new brad factories can be built more easily there.
• GNU York City - A group of "concerned citizens" in New York, USA fighting for their right to conceal and carry dangerous items such as hole punches even through security checkpoints.
• The New Foundlanders - a Canadian organization dedicated to creating an environment there that is friendly to religious organizations such as the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch who do not have the interests of society at heart.

GNU Skin

I would like to bring a matter to public attention. I discovered a "GNU Skin" factory. Though it is not clear what they intend to sell, we want all of our supporters to be aware that GNU Skin is not an affiliate of the GNU Public Dictatorship at this time. Until more is known of this company, please exercise caution in dealing with them. The following pointers should be helpful if you should encounter someone claiming to work for the GPD:

1. Ask them how they feel about brads. The GPD will never suggest that they are safe.
2. Do not accept gifts if you were not expecting them -- they could contain brads.
3. Look for evil stickers or any other dangerous substances. GPD personnel are required to dispose of these immediately for the safety of themselves and any people they may visit.
4. If you have an encounter with someone you suspect of impersonating GPD personnel, do not allow them in you house or near your family and report them to a GPD office immediately.

Be safe and have a Merry Christmas from the Board of Dictators!

Grebans: confirmed

After a thorough investigation our operatives finally discovered a greban in a Cedar City morgue.  Unfortunately it had been dead for a few hours by the time our scientists examined it, but it revealed some important information.  Apparently our enemies have not yet been able to make grebans live for more than a few hours.  Without a bit more longevity the greban army we have feared is not a serious threat.  We will continue to keep you updated on our research into creating our own greban army and on our progress in thwarting the Parent Corporation's evil research into the same thing.

Human-Grebe Hybrids?

Many of our supporters have expressed concern over the incident where thousands of grebes to land in a parking lot in Cedar City, Utah, USA, thinking they were landing in a lake.  As a result, many grebes died, and many others were captured by private citizens and government workers.  What was most concerning, was the reports (including the caption on the picture in the link above) that the grebes were being released into bodies.  Not bodies of water, mind you, but bodies.  Our scientists have long tried to perfect the human-avian hybrid, with little luck.  It appears that this incident, however, may be cover for the Parent Corporation's experiments.  We have heard multiple reports of people in Utah apparently having been possessed by grebes, but by the time our operatives arrive on the scene all the evidence has been destroyed.  We believe that the Parent Corporation may have successfully created a greban (grebe-human hybrid), and we are asking for any of you who may have access to bodies in or near Cedar City to check them to see if grebes have been released into them.  With the help of our supporters we hope to have this cleared up shortly.

An apology

When we wrote our seminal post "How not to rob a bank" a few years ago, we thought we had provided a valuable service to would-be criminals everywhere.  We figured they would either prepare themselves adequately for the task they were undertaking or give up entirely.  As a matter of fact, the incidence of bank robbers being caught for silly mistakes has gone down slightly in the intervening months, but not as much as we would have hoped.  We have long suspected that it was people who don't read our blog that were making these mistakes, but we still can't prove that anyone doesn't read our blog.  Anyway, it turns out that some of these would-be criminals do read our blog, and that our advice wasn't complete.  As this man showed, we neglected to mention that you should only undertake to rob a bank when it is open.  We are sorry for any inconvenience our oversight may have caused, and we deeply regret having made this mistake.

An accident? We think not

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of accidents.  More often than not there is a reason something "just happens" to someone.  Take this incident, for instance.  It looks like an unfortunate incident where a careless hunter was shot because his friend's dog discharged a shotgun.  But we should look a bit deeper.  Those reporting the incident are quite silent on the relationship between the two hunters.  Was it strained?  Did either have a motive for hurting the other?  Was it a publicity stunt?  Is the dog really a dog, or is it some sort of mechanical demon?  Even if the dog can be proven to be a dog now, was it really the dog that was hunting with them, or was it a robotic approximation of the dog?  When one considers all of these possibilities it becomes abundantly clear that "Accident" is the wrong label for this incident.  More than likely the Parent Corporation has been testing its robotic dog replacements.  Or possibly the whole thing is a setup for a new reality show.  Our operatives are searching for a real answer, but even then we may never know.

On a separate note, we have heard whispers of an important meeting at the Parent Corporation next week.  We'll let you know how it goes.