An evil plot

Many of you will remember the riots against mind-controlling insects when Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan came out, but some of you may be too young to remember.  Unfortunately, the media has nearly erased this episode from our collective memories, and, until recently, we wondered why they would bother.  Apparently the fears expressed by the rioters, that the mind-controlling creatures not only existed but were also being employed on some of our more prominent role models had more to it than we originally thought.  Earlier this week a "moth" flew into Matt Holliday's ear and caused him to miss the rest of the baseball game.  This incident, by itself, caused us no concern, but as it is our policy to investigate these sorts of occurrences we did so, and found that this "moth" is no moth at all--and that Matt Holliday's ear shows signs of previous incursions by these controllers.  We haven't found the source of the mind control as of yet, and we aren't telling you to take to the streets and riot just yet, but we do want you to know that you need to be vigilant and examine your ears and those of your loved ones for signs of mind control.  Oh, and if they point phasers at you just make sure you shame them into killing themselves.

Abuse of Animals

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the fair and equitable treatment of all living creatures, which is why we have been appalled by recent events in South Ayrshire involving a cow and a ladder. The local SPCA apparently found the situation unfortunate but amusing, and didn't question the farmer's assertion that he had no idea how the ladder came to be around the cow's neck.  We have sent our operatives in for a closer look, and we don't think the farmer's story is very reliable.  After all, what farmer wouldn't know exactly what was in each of his fields, and wouldn't keep an eye on all of his livestock?  He claims to have been busy with "other concerns" but we know that farmers just sit around and let the animals do their work, so we find his explanation unlikely.  We haven't turned up any links to the Parent Corporation yet, but we do know that there is an active Brad Guy cell in the South Ayrshire neighborhood and we have found indications of their involvement.  Rest assured that we, unlike the SPCA, aren't letting them off the hook and ladder.

Chaos?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not ambitious, which is why we have been pursuing our plans to take over government of the world.  These plans are extensive, and require a good deal of patience from our supporters.  After all, if we just imprisoned all of the world's leaders and took over, as some of our supporters have suggested we should, we would simply create chaos.  Those whose misguided loyalties were attached to past world leaders would have a hard time accepting us, even though we are simply trying to help!  We do not want the world to resemble London of the past few nights, and we do not want to alienate a large group of undecided world citizens who, if our plans are carried out, will eventually rally around us.

Some have criticized us for destabilizing markets to bring anarchy and for "playing games with people's lives," but nothing could be further from the truth.  While our plans do, occasionally, require us to destabilize markets, we do not want to create anarchy.  As much as we are trying to lay the foundation of the New Future, we don't want the world economy to collapse overnight.  We must admit that we have been pulling the strings we have for a long time to try to get the US debt situation taken care of, but we never encouraged a default on their loans.  Our market interventions are targeted and checked by a team of economists who assure us that our actions are not playing games with people's lives, and that we are still on target.

If you are still inclined to doubt us, ask yourself this question, and answer honestly:  Are you more likely to support a radically different economic model now, after a few years of crisis, than you would have been in 2006?  Our statisticians assure us that 98 of every 100 people would answer yes to this question, and that the other two are probably deluding themselves.  It's not chaos we're after, it's change.  Keep that in mind, and don't lose hope!

The Return of the Lichen?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about the future, which is why we are always looking out for our younger supporters.  One item of interest today for the younger supporter is that we have discovered that the dreaded nano-robotic lichen from last year's outbreak are being sold as a protein-rich paste for sandwiches and things.  The lichen being sold in this form have not, as yet, shown any signs of being active, but we do urge our supporters to exercise sound judgement.