A Mission

We can't share many of the details, because at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not discrete with our pre-mission intelligence, but we are about to embark on some interesting operations.  It won't surprise you to learn that we intend to overthrow the strongholds of the perpetrators of evil office products, nor will it surprise you to find that we will probably not post much of anything in this forum for the duration of the mission.  Its successful completion depends on precise timing and the balance of several circus-trained acrobats.  Drat!  I've said too much...

Another assassination

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proactive, but no matter what we do we can't seem to eliminate all of the evil in the world.  It seems that the Parent Corporation has been working more of its evil deeds in Nottingham.  Local resident Luke Yeomans had set up a sanctuary for snakes such as the cobra to keep them from falling victim to society's relentless press on their habitats.  Mr. Yeomans had also been instrumental in keeping brads and hole punches out of his particular neck of the woods, but he had kept that role fairly secret.  We didn't think anyone else knew about his assistance, but someone found out and dispatched an assassin to kill him and make it look like an unfortunate and ironic accident.  We don't believe in accidents, which is why we have increased our presence in Nottingham to try to stem any further operations by our mortal enemies.  We urge our supporters to increase their vigilance just a notch or two in their areas to help keep us all safe from the Parent Corporation and its evil schemes.

Disappointing

When we caught "Edgar" last week we were very careful to make sure that we weren't just capturing him because the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch was using him to distract us while they did something nefarious.  There were no indications up until we caught him that this was the case, but in the panic that ensued it looks like they took advantage of the situation and put some brads in earth orbit.  These brads came very close to destroying the International Space Station, but they dodged the bullet (or brads) this time.  We are working on collecting the brads, but if any of you intend to be in low-earth orbit over the next week or two we urge you to get your flight plan checked out before you go.

One of the "Edgar"s has been apprehended!

Our loyal supporters know well by now that we are engaged in a long-term war with the forces of evil and unsafe office accoutrements, and that we have been steadily making progress.  They also know that we are investigating strange occurrences such as the computer glitch that gave us trouble recently.  Both fronts have collided today in an exciting development.  It seems that "Edgar" (not the actual leader of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but their public face) was working undercover with the oceanographers until earlier this month.  It was his job to recommend a web hosting company, and it was his suggestions that led to the computers refusing to relinquish control.  After following a series of interesting but unrelated leads, our operatives found "Edgar" in his home last night and arrested him.  Unfortunately, our operatives have been able to extract but few details from him about the internal workings of the UBHP.  It seems that, as the public face, all he needed to know was the public-facing information.  Either that, or his brain has been altered such that our operatives cannot even find the areas of his brain that retain the more sensitive information.  We don't believe the UBHP possesses such technology, so we're thinking it's the former explanation.

The one interesting bit of information that has eluded confirmation until now is that "Edgar" is actually working with both the UBHP and the Parent Corporation.  We have long suspected this link, but we have been unable to confirm it until now.  With "Edgar" in our possession we expect the UBHP to respond within a few days, possibly by naming a replacement for him.  Before we intend to put "Edgar" on trial for his crimes and see that he pays his debt to society.  We cannot stress how important this capture is for our cause, and we hope that all of you will celebrate it.

We didn't find much of anything interesting about the computers, but we did ascertain that "Edgar" was an unwitting pawn in the developments.  We will let you know as soon as we figure out who was pulling the strings this time.

Vigilance

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilant, which is why the recent reports that a loyal supporter was having trouble keeping his kids away from hole punches caught our attention.  We investigated the situation and found that "José" (not his real name) had the situation under control.  Apparently his 10-year-old daughter had been introduced to hole punches while scrapbooking with her friends.  She became addicted, and hid many hole punches in her room.  (She was able to purchase the hole punches by saving the money her parents gave her for completing her chores).  This situation had apparently been going on for several months before "José" saw the warning signs--his daughter was constantly complaining that her right hand hurt.  She was taken to the doctor who examined the hand and said it was due to strain.  The doctor, also a loyal supporter, asked her if she had been using any hole punches lately.  She initially said she had not, but after repeated questioning she broke down and told the whole story.  "José" has worked with her to rid the house of hole punches and has enrolled her in a recovery program.  There doesn't appear to be any permanent damage in this case, but we have to ask what would have happened if it hadn't been noticed this early?  She may have been permanently turned from correct social behavior to villainy.  She may have abandoned her family to join the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch (they do allow female members, by the way, but they aren't given full status as far as we can determine).

We're glad "José" was able to stop this problem early, but we are concerned that many of you may be in the same boat.  We urge vigilance and caution, and early screenings.  Some of the warning signs of evil office products are:

• Unusual crankiness
• Hand pain
• Puncture wounds
• Refusal to participate in GPD events
• Withdrawal from friends and family

Please be vigilant.  Don't let this happen to you!

Raymond Herrera, Hero of the People

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for the sacrifices our world citizens make on behalf of The Cause.  We know that many times their efforts go unnoticed, and it has been more than a year since we have awarded our Most Prestigious Award, the Hero of the People.

Today's recipient is none other than Raymond Herrera, who has been working tirelessly with the homeless around the world to try to keep them from accepting brads and hole punches or from retrieving them garbage cans when they may find them.  Thanks to Raymond's work the incidence of brad-related deaths in homeless individuals worldwide has dropped 93.2% over the last 10 years.  Raymond himself lost a son to brads nearly 15 years ago.  Raymond believes his wife brought brads into his home (although she denied having touched them) and his three-year-old son put them in his mouth.  Nobody noticed that he had eaten them until during dinner when he started choking and gasping.  The incident tore Raymond's family apart and after his divorce left him wandering the streets at night without a home.  One evening, when he was looking for a good place to sleep he saw a homeless person about to snack on some brads.  His quick action saved the potential victim's life, and Raymond had found his calling.  He cleaned up and found a place to live, from where he began to launch his anti-brad campaign.  A few years into his endeavor he sought out his ex-wife to try to fix things, but sadly she had passed away a few months earlier.  Raymond contacted us and asked us to help him organize his program at a global scale, and since then his efforts have saved countless vagabonds.  Thanks for your work, Raymond, you truly are a Hero of the People.

We urge caution

As Daniel reported yesterday, we are aware of several individuals who spend their time impersonating members of the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators.  Since Daniel reported about "Kristov" the Austin GPD Office has been swamped with phone calls and visits from people who wish to take matters into their own hands.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, which is why we urge caution in this situation.  Our investigations to date have revealed no evidence that a well-informed world citizen would be fooled by these impersonators, but they have also shown that the impersonators are dangerous.  If you encounter someone who claims to be a member of the Board of Dictators, here is what you should do:

1. Ask him or her what the current GPD password is.  Anyone who reads this blog knows that there is no "GPD password" and will tell you so.
2. Verify that the individual is not carrying brads or brad paraphernalia.  All of the impostors we have encountered so far had some brads in their possession.
3. Use your biometric scanners to verify that his or her fingerprints match closely to those in our official database.  We know that biometric scanners aren't foolproof, but the chances are low that someone could simultaneously have similar fingerprints to ours and want to fool you
4. Encode a timestamp plus a nonce using our public key and challenge us to decode it, add one to the nonce, then re-encode it with our private key.  If you can decode the response with our public key and it matches your expectation, you know that the person who gave you that encoded value was in possession of the private key.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to keeping our keys safe, so you can be sure that no impostor will correctly answer this challenge.

We do urge caution as these impostors are known to be in league with the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and we know their operatives to be unscrupulous in their pursuit of evil.

Do Not Be Fooled

Reports have recently come in that Tim is living in Texas. These reports simply aren't true. Jana from Waco, TX alerted us that a man in Austin was impersonating a GPD officer and asking people to turn brads in to him "for disposal." We have several operatives currently investigating this person, who will be referred to as "Kristov."

Be aware that this may not be an isolated incident. If anyone approaches you as a GPD officer and you suspect them of foul play, please immediately contact your local GPD office concerning them.

When toys become too realistic

Our society seems to be obsessed with a desire to make everything more and more realistic.  Compare the video games from 1991 to those now produced and you will find that they are much more "realistic" but also much more violent.  If it hadn't been for activists toy guns would be nearly indistinguishable from the real ones.  Until recently, we didn't think this trend had gone to stuffed toys, but this incident shows that toy manufacturers are trying to go more extreme all the time.  We urge all of our supporters to support conservative stuffed animals to help stem the tide of problems that such plush toys will inevitably cause.

Illicit Vegetable Experimentation (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equality for all living creatures, as our posts here and here will surely show.  Unfortunately someone (we know who we suspect, but we have precious little information as of this moment) has decided to genetically modify watermelons to make them into living grenades. These grenades are not yet weapons-grade, but they show that those who created these watermelon seeds are not bound by the same moral code as we are, and it means we need to step up our efforts to combat illicit vegetable (or fruit) experimentation.  We owe it to our fellow living beings to stand up for them and prevent this heinous crime from being repeated!

Brads guns

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not watchful, which is why we send our operatives to many remote locations.  This past week I was sent to check out the small town of Eureka, Utah, and found that this lovely gift shop had been transformed.  Instead of a quaint little shop, I found a very offensive sight.  The shop now has two words on the sides of the building:

BRADS
GUNS

While most people might assume that this is simply a case of a  missing apostrophe (Brad's Guns) we are trained to recognize these "slips."  They do, in fact, sell guns at BRADS GUNS, but they won't tell you the whole story. Our operatives are working long and hard to find and expose their links to the Company and its Parent Corporation, and we hope to have some good hard facts for you soon.

The Birds

Last month we reported that the birds themselves, not the bird watchers, appeared to be behind the computer troubles we and others had recently experienced.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of the researchers' claims that the birds had run the web hosting, but after observing them for several weeks we understand the situation much more than we did.  It appears that the birds were running the web hosting company, but they were using software that made it so that they simply had to peck at the keyboard occasionally to do so.  The software they were running was apparently created by the group of oceanographers we found earlier, and after researching that group it again appears that the oceanographers themselves were oblivious to the threat their computers were posing.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not persistent and are confident that we will unravel this mystery!

Freeloading: A societal evil

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to improving society, which is why we are discouraged by a trend of individuals who choose not to contribute to society.  These individuals live off society or their families and make no efforts to better themselves or contribute in any way to the local economies.  While many such persons are well-paid businessmen, some are like this man, who even tried suing his parents for cutting off his allowance now that he is 25 years old.  We wish to make it clear that the GPD will not tolerate such wanton freeloading, and that if you are a freeloader we urge you to change your ways before we make you change your ways!

Are brads becoming more popular?

Recently we posted about a disturbing incident where brads were used to secure a stretcher and, obviously, failed to do so in a very dangerous fashion.  Today we are posting about another dangerous incident related to the use of brads.

It began much as any other day, a family were playing in a hotel room in Orlando, Florida.  As the day progressed, however, the four-year-old child quickly became bored with what the parents were doing and chose to play on the balcony.  Unfortunately this balcony was on the fourth floor, but fortunately when the toddler fell someone was there to prevent a scary fall from being a prelude to a funeral.

"So," you may ask, "what were the parents doing?"  We have been studying the evidence for several days now and have determined that they were examining and polishing their brad collection.  We haven't been able to ascertain (as we have been denied access to the crime scene by local authorities) whether they were using brads to transport drugs, but we do know that they were so obsessed with their brads that they let their child wander into a life-threatening situation.

It seems that brads are once again becoming more popular, and this is probably our fault to some extent.  We have been so successful in managing the threat that world citizens who are not so well informed as you are are beginning to not fear them anymore.  We have heard them say things like, "One brad won't hurt," or "Since the Company is gone there's no real threat anymore."  Apparently we have failed in instilling in them a knowledge of the intrinsic evil that is the brad.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry for our mistake and will continue to work tirelessly to correct it!

The evils of brads

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to spreading the word about the evils of brads. For those who have been living under a rock for the last several years and may be asking themselves something along the lines of, "What could possibly be wrong with a tiny piece of metal?" we answer with the following post.

Yesterday a seriously ill woman was being transported from a cruise ship along the coast of Norway to a life boat, when her stretcher was dropped unceremoniously into the frigid sea.  She suffered greatly from the exposure and was in the near-freezing water for several minutes.  But what, you may ask, does this have to do with brads?  The answer is simple.  Over the last few years (since we have crushed the Company) we have a decline in overall brad use, but at the same time we have seen an effort by brad enthusiasts (apparently acting alone) to get people to use brads for non-traditional uses.  One of those uses was to secure stretchers during rescue operations at sea, and preliminary investigations show that in this particular incident the stretcher had, in fact, been secured using brads.  The brad enthusiasts may tell you that the brads will work perfectly, but do not believe them.  They are, for the most part, evil and twisted individuals bent on your pain and suffering, and on the subjection of women to the whims of men.

A partial explanation

Since we discovered that the birds, not the bird watchers, seem to be responsible for the computers that have been giving us trouble we have been tirelessly investigating them and their computers.  All of our effort recently led us to an important discovery and a partial explanation of the birds' behavior.

Apparently this particular flock of birds (Scarlet Ibis, for the curious) has been genetically modified.  The records we found are incomplete (we assume they were destroyed) and we have to interpolate many things, but we are 97.3589% confident that our conclusions are substantially correct.  It appears that the very birdwatchers that were apparently customers of the birds' network expertise were part of a foundation that raises money for unconventional experiments such as those run on this flock of birds, and were thus responsible, at least in part, for the genetic manipulations.  We have traced many of the funds and can categorically state that the vast majority of them came from puppet companies set up by the Parent Corporation, although their motives are as yet unclear.  The birds' keepers unwillingly informed us that the modifications were to increase their intelligence and computer skills.  It appears that, once genetically modified, the birds were able to use the computers to their advantage, but it is not clear yet whether the birds have the intelligence to have programmed the computer system that took over the GPD.  We doubt they do, but we have yet to prove that they do not, so we'll leave it at that for now.  We have our best operatives on this, so we hope to know more soon!

The Birds?

Earlier this month we believed that the bird watchers may have been orchestrating a bid to rule the world by getting their computers to shut down their competitors, but we were sadly mistaken.  The bird watchers, sadly, have no such ambitions, and merely desired a way to organize their pictures and clips, and to be able to collaborate online.  In order to meet this pathetically simple goal, they enlisted the help of an unknown e-mail writer who sent them an offer of services.  They haven't thought much about that anonymous solicitation since then, but when the computers shut down our operation temporarily and we responded by shutting down their computers they started complaining.

To make a long story short, or at least shorter, we have been investigating the source of that solicitation for some time, and it appears to have come from a source none of us suspected.  It appears that a group of birds living in an aviary in Denver, Colorado, had access to computers as part of a study, and it appears that the birds themselves sent the e-mail.  They also, apparently, responded to the bird watchers and set the computers up for their online collaborative tool.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of the birds' ability to use computers that many humans have trouble with, but the facts we have been able to obtain as of yet seem to point to the birds as the source of the computer troubles we had.  We'll continue to investigate this bizarre incident, and hopefully be able to explain it a bit better.

The Dangers of Becoming an Advertisement

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not willing to learn from our mistakes, which is why we often make course corrections after we attempt groundbreaking new ideas.  If you will recall our experiment in headvertising, and another in odortising, you will know that the GPD is not about to shy away from controversial advertising techniques, but you should also know that we do not keep beating dead horses.  At least not since our lawyers told us that could be construed as animal cruelty, although why beating a carcass is cruel I don't think I'll ever understand...

But I digress.  This post isn't about deceased equines, it's about questionable advertising techniques, such as this one, proposed by Adzookie.  It's not that it won't provide good exposure and drive people to Adzookie, but that it could easily be abused by the slightly less-than-honest advertiser.  Even when the GPD ran its headvertising campaign we received complaints of people being duped into putting absurd or pro-brad messages on their heads.  If the Company and the Parent Corporation were able to take advantage of our advertising campaigns, how much more will they take advantage of this third party's campaign.  Don't be surprised if you sign up and discover some morning that your home is an advertisement for hole punches, and don't expect any sympathy from us.  You have been warned, after all.  Adzookie may not be aligned with the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but we haven't confirmed that yet, and we know how desperate they are to get their message out there now that people are realizing that we have been right all along.

The Bird Watchers

After a number of rounds of negotiations with our lawyers and theirs, the bird watchers have decided to talk with us.  It seems that they, too, were convinced of the wisdom of leaving computers in charge of their online operations, and that they were intimidated by the complexity of the Internet and didn't want to hire someone when computers would do the job much more cheaply.

So, why do we mention this?  Because it proves that the bird watchers themselves were victims of the computers, not their programmers.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, so you can trust us that we checked out their claims.  The bird watchers were approached with an e-mail offering the computers' services, so we'll have to keep tracing where they came from, but at least we know the bird watchers aren't in league with the computers.

Democracy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, which is why we have decided to respond to a very common question we receive, even though the answer is apparent to anyone who has taken GPD 101 at the GNU Public University (also here).  (Let us not forget to mention that courses at the GNU Public University are available free of charge).

The question, in essence, is why the GPD isn't the GNU Public Democracy instead of the GNU Public Dictatorship.  To answer the question, let's define a few terms:

Democracy - A government where every citizen has an equal voice in deciding what the government will do.
Republic - A government where citizens choose representatives that then decide what the government will do.
Oligarchy - A government where a few citizens or classes of citizens decide what the government will do.
Monarchy - A government where an individual decides what the government will do.


Some like to believe that the best form of government is a democracy, where the people have the power.  Unfortunately, this requires a lot of the citizens.  They must stay informed about current events and must dedicate a large percentage of their time to keeping the government running smoothly.  When citizens fail to stay informed or fail to spend the time necessary on keeping things running smoothly, there are problems.  Perhaps citizen A doesn't like citizen B, so instead of researching the issues, he or she simply votes against what citizen B votes for.  Suppose citizen C is more interested in Leonardo DiCaprio's latest performance than whether the roads in a neighborhood need to be repaired and chooses to vote against the repairs just so that he or she can get home sooner to enjoy an evening with Mr. DiCaprio.  As you can see, a democracy simply demands too much of individual citizens, and if they fail to deliver what is demanded, the system breaks down.

A republic solves some of the problems facing a democracy, by creating a class of people whose job it is to stay informed and to care, and ostensibly to represent the citizens who chose them as representatives.  Unfortunately, this system only works when these representatives are properly engaged by their constituents, and, for reasons similar to those mentioned about democracies, this rarely happens.  Republics also demand that representatives be altruistic, which is difficult for many people.  Self-interest tends to overcome altruism, and the desire to maintain one's status as a representative forces individuals to present misinformation to their constituents to protect their own interests.  Rather than listening to their constituents and representing their interests against corporations and other entities that are better-funded, they tend to listen to the better-funded entities and represent their interest against those of their constituents.

Such a state of affairs is more properly termed an oligarchy, since there is a class of people (politicians and well-connected individuals) who tend to make the decisions and then tell the people what they should want.  As long as this ruling class provides enough Leonardo DiCaprio movies, most citizens rarely object.

The GNU Public Dictatorship does not adopt any of these models as we find them fraught with errors.  We also do not support a monarchy or a traditional dictatorship, since one person rarely has enough knowledge and information to make proper decisions.  Instead, we create a dictatorship where exceptional individuals meet together, discuss society's problems, and find solutions.  If the people don't believe their leaders are exceptional individuals, they will voice their opinions and the other members of the Board of Dictators will be obliged to sever ties with the non-exceptional individuals.  By consolidating decision-making power into the hands of the Board, the GPD allows for quick responses to difficult problems.  By following the open source model, we ensure that citizens' interests are represented without corporate interference.  It's really a wonderful model!