We urge caution

As Daniel reported yesterday, we are aware of several individuals who spend their time impersonating members of the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators.  Since Daniel reported about "Kristov" the Austin GPD Office has been swamped with phone calls and visits from people who wish to take matters into their own hands.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, which is why we urge caution in this situation.  Our investigations to date have revealed no evidence that a well-informed world citizen would be fooled by these impersonators, but they have also shown that the impersonators are dangerous.  If you encounter someone who claims to be a member of the Board of Dictators, here is what you should do:

1. Ask him or her what the current GPD password is.  Anyone who reads this blog knows that there is no "GPD password" and will tell you so.
2. Verify that the individual is not carrying brads or brad paraphernalia.  All of the impostors we have encountered so far had some brads in their possession.
3. Use your biometric scanners to verify that his or her fingerprints match closely to those in our official database.  We know that biometric scanners aren't foolproof, but the chances are low that someone could simultaneously have similar fingerprints to ours and want to fool you
4. Encode a timestamp plus a nonce using our public key and challenge us to decode it, add one to the nonce, then re-encode it with our private key.  If you can decode the response with our public key and it matches your expectation, you know that the person who gave you that encoded value was in possession of the private key.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to keeping our keys safe, so you can be sure that no impostor will correctly answer this challenge.

We do urge caution as these impostors are known to be in league with the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and we know their operatives to be unscrupulous in their pursuit of evil.

Do Not Be Fooled

Reports have recently come in that Tim is living in Texas. These reports simply aren't true. Jana from Waco, TX alerted us that a man in Austin was impersonating a GPD officer and asking people to turn brads in to him "for disposal." We have several operatives currently investigating this person, who will be referred to as "Kristov."

Be aware that this may not be an isolated incident. If anyone approaches you as a GPD officer and you suspect them of foul play, please immediately contact your local GPD office concerning them.

When toys become too realistic

Our society seems to be obsessed with a desire to make everything more and more realistic.  Compare the video games from 1991 to those now produced and you will find that they are much more "realistic" but also much more violent.  If it hadn't been for activists toy guns would be nearly indistinguishable from the real ones.  Until recently, we didn't think this trend had gone to stuffed toys, but this incident shows that toy manufacturers are trying to go more extreme all the time.  We urge all of our supporters to support conservative stuffed animals to help stem the tide of problems that such plush toys will inevitably cause.

Illicit Vegetable Experimentation (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equality for all living creatures, as our posts here and here will surely show.  Unfortunately someone (we know who we suspect, but we have precious little information as of this moment) has decided to genetically modify watermelons to make them into living grenades. These grenades are not yet weapons-grade, but they show that those who created these watermelon seeds are not bound by the same moral code as we are, and it means we need to step up our efforts to combat illicit vegetable (or fruit) experimentation.  We owe it to our fellow living beings to stand up for them and prevent this heinous crime from being repeated!

Brads guns

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not watchful, which is why we send our operatives to many remote locations.  This past week I was sent to check out the small town of Eureka, Utah, and found that this lovely gift shop had been transformed.  Instead of a quaint little shop, I found a very offensive sight.  The shop now has two words on the sides of the building:

BRADS
GUNS

While most people might assume that this is simply a case of a  missing apostrophe (Brad's Guns) we are trained to recognize these "slips."  They do, in fact, sell guns at BRADS GUNS, but they won't tell you the whole story. Our operatives are working long and hard to find and expose their links to the Company and its Parent Corporation, and we hope to have some good hard facts for you soon.

The Birds

Last month we reported that the birds themselves, not the bird watchers, appeared to be behind the computer troubles we and others had recently experienced.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of the researchers' claims that the birds had run the web hosting, but after observing them for several weeks we understand the situation much more than we did.  It appears that the birds were running the web hosting company, but they were using software that made it so that they simply had to peck at the keyboard occasionally to do so.  The software they were running was apparently created by the group of oceanographers we found earlier, and after researching that group it again appears that the oceanographers themselves were oblivious to the threat their computers were posing.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not persistent and are confident that we will unravel this mystery!

Freeloading: A societal evil

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to improving society, which is why we are discouraged by a trend of individuals who choose not to contribute to society.  These individuals live off society or their families and make no efforts to better themselves or contribute in any way to the local economies.  While many such persons are well-paid businessmen, some are like this man, who even tried suing his parents for cutting off his allowance now that he is 25 years old.  We wish to make it clear that the GPD will not tolerate such wanton freeloading, and that if you are a freeloader we urge you to change your ways before we make you change your ways!