Unintended consequences

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping you all safe, which is why we allowed the New Company's operatives to detonate brad bombs in crowds of celebrating supporters.  This may sound strange, but it is the truth here.  If we had detained these individuals before they detonated the brad bombs it would be much harder to prosecute them, and we put in plenty of safeguards to protect supporters' major arteries, so we really did think through the operation.  Unfortunately, our victory over the bulk of the New Company's operatives seems to have hardened the remaining operatives in their resolve to fight against not only us but all decent people in the world.  We have seen a huge increase in random brad punctures and distribution of brads to minors at preschools and nurseries, and we are increasing our efforts to keep everyone safe, but we know there may be some unintended consequences of our efforts to keep our enemies from destroying society, and we hope you will be patient, but we hope you won't be patients at the GNU Public Hospital because of injuries you received standing for the New Future!

Mission accomplished

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to report that the reports of carnage due to the brad bombs were greatly overstated.  In fact, there was only one injury sustained by a supporter of the GPD, and that was when he grabbed the New Company operative by the collar and was pulled down to the ground and hurt his knee.  We have started the process of awarding him the "Hero of the People" award, and hopefully will be able to do so very soon.

For those who have been misinformed by the media, we will take some time to explain exactly what happened last Friday:

• October 2013: Due to the apparent inactivity of the New Company, the GPD began investigations to see what their operatives were up to.  We found that they were in possession of great capabilities, but that they were kept back by their lack of organization and commitment.  A plan was hatched to push them into action.
• November-December 2013: Our operatives began to infiltrate the New Company's ranks, inciting them to unity against us.
• January 2014: We began releasing reports stating that the New Company was vanquished, further inciting action against us by their operatives.
• January 14, 2014: We announced our intention to hold coordinated parties around the world, an announcement designed to force the New Company's operatives to act now.
• January 17, 2014: At the celebrations we allowed the operatives to set up their brad bombs and even to detonate most of them before detaining them and interrogating them.  872 operatives were detained in this operation, and based on our previous estimates this constitutes 93.66% of their operatives.  Not completely satisfied with this haul we kept quiet about our success until today.  Over the weekend we were able to nab 9 more (0.97% of their total force).

The short summary is that we were able to lure the New Company's operatives into a mission that was doomed to fail, and that we have annihilated the bulk of their capabilities.  The remaining operatives may still cause confusion and delay, but we know that they are not the immediate threat they were, especially as organizational confusion still reigns over much of the New Company!

The horror!

It is with great sadness and disappointment that we report that the rumors are true, that the New Company has indeed infiltrated 432 of our GNU Public Dictatorship county offices worldwide and set off brad bombs just as our celebration of their demise got underway a few minutes ago.  Initial media reports have suggested that there were thousands killed, but we believe those numbers have been exaggerated.  According to our operatives there were far fewer casualties.  Rest assured that the GPD will pursue their operatives relentlessly until we have caught them all and made them pay for this monstrosity!

We are not beaten

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not certain that we, too, have not been vanquished.  When we posted that the New Company was an unworthy adversary we were bombarded by criticisms that our own activity has slacked off, and that Daniel and Juliana are basically invisible at this point.  There were even accusations that I have disposed of the other members of the Board of Dictators and am making a play for complete and total power by myself.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  At the GPD we are continuing to make improvements to the world's infrastructure and the opportunities of all who will free themselves from the tyranny of evil office products.  Unfortunately, some of that work requires that we don't advertise all that we are working on in real-time, as our opponents would take that opportunity to impede our progress.  Daniel and Juliana have both been working in very sensitive projects that we hope to be able to share with you soon, and I, myself, have been heavily involved in the launch of Le restaurant public GNU and its associated challenges, in addition to overseeing the research into the capabilities of the New Company.  Our lack of posts over the last few months is not an indication of a lack of activity!

The New Company: an unworthy adversary

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thrilled to be able to announce that we have finally completed our research on the New Company and its capabilities and found that it is no more a threat to the citizens of the world than misguided "scrapbooking enthusiasts" who unwittingly spread the evil of brads to small groups of children.  Since the incidents that resulted in the defection of "Edgar" and the final split between the Parent Corporation and the New Company we have seen so very little in the way of carefully planned or skillfully executed missions from their operatives that we have concluded that they have imploded upon themselves and are no longer a worthy adversary.  This is great news for our supporters as it means we have vanquished yet another organization bent on destroying the world we hold dear!  Parties will be held on Friday, January 17, 2014 at 16:03 UTC at all GPD county offices worldwide, so please come out and celebrate our victory!

Back to Normal

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that Le restaurant public GNU is an excellent idea indeed, in spite of the serious issues that have accompanied its launch.  Many of you have wondered where we have been and why we haven't commented about the numerous news stories describing how badly the launch of Le RPG went, and we would like to explain it to you in detail, but that would fill up this forum with minutia that don't need to be here, and at the GPD we are nothing if not succinct, so we won't take up your time with meaningless chatter.  We did not reply to the the unflattering reports about the launch of Le RPG as they were mostly false, but in the interest of clearing up the record we will respond to some of them here.

• "The lines were so long at Le RPG that many people waited in the street for four days before being admitted.  Some of them were admitted to the restaurant, while others were admitted to the hospital with symptoms of malnutrition or exhaustion."  First of all, the gist of this quote is that the restaurant launch was TOO successful.  Since Le RPG is following the open source model we used donated space for our patron-chefs from various companies, and since we are not making money off this endeavor we did not feel that we could provide any more infrastructure.  The demand far outweighed the supply on opening night, and since then we have used the voluntary donations that patron-chefs have provided to rent larger and more permanent space, and to start compensating our editors for their efforts.  As for the "admitted to the hospital," we did have signs posted warning of the wait time, and several of our patron-chefs spent some of their time informing the people waiting in line that they might suffer from malnutrition if they kept waiting.  We even offered to give them vouchers to keep their places in line if they left to get sustenance or rest in the meantime, but only a few potential patrons agreed to the deal.  We don't think we are at fault in this case, and our lawyers agree with us.
• "There were problems with the ordering system.  When I would ask the waiter for a Sushiburger he responded '404: not found,' and when I asked for a Salad Soup he simply said '503: Service Unavailable.'  I expected my waiter to produce human-readable error pages, not just HTTP error codes."  This one is interesting.  First of all, we don't know who this patron-chef thought was his waiter, since Le RPG doesn't use waiters in the traditional sense.  We suspect that he started talking to an android or perhaps just to a computer terminal.  As for the non-human-readable errors, we suspect that the patron-chef was attempting to access a service that is not intended for human consumption.
• "I didn't know what was going on, and I didn't get any food."  We're sorry that some of our patron-chefs were confused by the open source food process, but Le RPG was founded for the sophisticated eater who knows enough about the kitchen to make his or her own food but prefers to leverage the collective intelligence of others like him or her.  We tried to make it clear that Le RPG was not a traditional restaurant, and we had a bulletin board on the wall where people could submit ideas for improvements or report problems.  We did, unfortunately, have a few patron-chefs who posted rude responses on the board, but our editors silenced them as quickly as possible.  We are working on making a menu that people can read and add to as appropriate, and we believe that it will be much better than the simple command line help currently available.

As you can clearly see, we are on top of all the perceived issues and everything is going just peachy!

Le restaurant public GNU!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited to announce the latest in a long string of innovations you can't get anywhere else: Le restaurant public GNU!  It has taken most of our effort over the last month to make this a reality, but we have a new location in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA where we have finally realized the dream we have been pursuing.  Like most fancy restaurants, le restaurant public GNU (Le RPG) has a French name.  Studies have shown that French names increase diners' enjoyment of the cuisine in 94.21% of cases studied, which is why we chose it.  Some have pointed out (as if we didn't see it ourselves) that Le RPG sounds a lot like a rocket-propelled grenade or a role-playing game, neither of which will generally be permitted at Le RPG, although for certain events both may be allowed under controlled circumstances.  Anyway, Le RPG is a new experiment in open-source cuisine and has been praised by such cooking game shows as Iron Chef and Master Chef among others for its innovative approach to food.  Rather than being tied down by a single entity with power ("The Chef") Le RPG will empower each patron to contribute to the success or failure of each dish.  Patrons will be asked to create dishes for their neighbors, allowing for much greater creativity than would otherwise be possible.  There will be a small number of editors at Le RPG that will have the power to veto recipes, but they will not exercise their authority except in cases of potentially dangerous dishes (those involving poison or allergens).  On opening night some of our patrons found the following stand-out dishes not available elsewhere:

• Sushiburgers - While a quick search will show that other restaurants have sushi burgers, they weren't quite what our diners experienced this day.  The brilliance of taking an ethnic cuisine with a variety of subtle tastes and textures and reducing it to a pickle and ketchup-covered pile of raw fish on a sesame seed bun has to be experienced to be believed!
• Salad Soup - Frustrated with the choice between soup and salad, some of our patrons invented salad soup.  Who wouldn't like boiled lettuce salad with a touch of ranch and soggy croutons?
• Soup Salad - One of the efficiencies of the open-source food system is rapid innovation.  In this case, diners who didn't love Salad Soup invented Soup Salad, which, as the name suggests is based on lettuce and spinach covered in a creamy cauliflower soupy material.  Delicious.

These three were simply the standout dishes of the night, so we look forward to many more innovative and delicious dishes!

Elections

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to serving you, our world citizens, which is why we have "elections" every couple of years to choose potential new members of the Board of Dictators.  While there has been a very low historical rate of acceptance (one new board member ever) there has been a great deal of dialogue about the significant issues facing us, and that, we believe, is the primary benefit from elections.

Unfortunately, in most democratic societies, including the United States of America, which is, technically, not a democracy as business is conducted on behalf of citizens by representatives they choose, but for the purposes of this argument the label will suffice, elections have degenerated into the basest form of competition, where name recognition and slogans trump substance and where money plays all too great a role.  At the GPD we would like you to know that we would never put up with such foolish nonsense, and were our "elections" to tend that way we would curtail them immediately, while at the same time we do believe that the "voice of the people" is generally correct.  The problem we encounter is that the "voice of the people" is impossible to assess analytically to any degree of certainty, as people's opinions are too easily swayed by factors as trivial as that they didn't have a full breakfast.  What's more, there are mathematical proofs that no group decision method can be guaranteed to always be "fair," where fair is defined as taking into account everyone's preferences and creating an group decision that is true as much as possible to all members in the group.  To illustrate this, we must simply create three fictitious voters and three candidates for some office.  Let's call the voters Vlad, Victor, and Vera, and the candidates Camille, Catherine, and Christopher.  Let us say that Vlad prefers Camille over Catherine, Catherine over Christopher.  Let us say that Victor prefers Catherine over Christopher, but Christopher over Camille, and that Vera prefers Christopher over Camille and Camille over Catherine.  If we treat each voter as equivalent and combine their preferences (assuming they are of equal strength) then we end up with a cyclical preference graph, where Camille is preferred to Catherine who is preferred to Christopher, who is preferred to Camille, clearly illustrating the difficulty of combining even the preferences of three voters.

At the GPD we are nothing if not innovative, which is why we do all of our real work in Board Meetings.  The three of us discuss the issues, and more often than not a decision becomes apparent immediately.  In some circumstances we disagree, and then we keep discussing it until it becomes apparent which option is the best for society.  You might question how this works, but it is quite simple: members of the Board of Dictators are willing to increase or decrease the strength of their own preferences relative to those of other Board members, allowing an optimal decision to be reached.  Because we solve the problem of preference combination, we are able to provably make socially optimal choices without encountering a contradiction.

A Harrowing Experience

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased that the US Federal Government shutdown is over for now, and we would like to thank all of our operatives for their tireless work to manipulate the outcome.  Unfortunately, while the government was shut down there was a worrisome increase in the sales of hand-held hole punches and brads, and we have seen a number of events that used to be hole-punch-free suddenly embrace the dangerous office products as if they were harmless.

I recently attended a fundraiser carnival at a local school, and while most of the tickets were marked using markers or other innocuous methods, at least seven of the ticket-takers were wielding hand-held punches, indiscriminately exposing young children to them and sending an implicit message that "my school accepts hole punches as harmless."  While we have had much success in convincing many that their ways are in error, there is a dangerous viral trend at the moment to consider hole punches "so much less evil" than other things that they are all but ignored by local regulatory bodies.  Rest assured that our operatives are working long and hard to reverse this trend, but we would ask all of you to lend your support to the cause so that we can keep our children from being deceived by these dastardly purveyors of evil!

Shutdown

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about the recent US Federal Government shutdown and the impending default on government payments, which is why we have been focusing heavily on influencing events over the last two weeks.  Some of our supporters have accused us of shutting ourselves down and ignoring world events, but nothing could be further from the truth.  While we have been quiet, we have not been inactive.  Our reach is increasing, and we are using it to try to make the most of the US Federal Government shutdown, turning it to our advantage and hopefully using it to crush our adversaries and regain once and for all the upper hand!  Oh, and we're also trying to get things back to normal as quickly as possible so our supporters who happen to be federal employees or dependent on federal employees for their livelihood won't have to suffer.  In the meantime, feel free to drop by your local GPD office to get a shutdown survival kit!

Here's to hoping this one is it...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about the dissemination of peace in all of its forms, including the reconciliation of two new-world plants that have long been at odds with each other.  While there have been other attempts to resolve the conflict in the past, we believe that the TomTato may be the solution we have been waiting for all these years.  In addition to resolving (at least in part) much of the conflict between these two valuable plants this advance could have extraordinary impacts on ordinary citizens who are now empowered to grow tomatoes and potatoes with much less garden space.  We commend those involved with creating the TomTato and hope that it, or perhaps its cousin "Potato Tom" in New Zealand might finally be the one we've been waiting for.

How not to smuggle drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the elimination of crime in all of its insidious forms, even at the cost of occasionally rewriting the pertinent laws as necessary.  We are also very opposed to "stupid" crime, which is why we occasionally give some pointers here in this forum on how not to be a criminal.  Our lawyers stopped bothering us about this topic quite some time ago when we made it clear that their usefulness to the New Future was dependent on their cooperation, so we don't expect to be tied up in legal issues.

Anyway, today's topic was inspired by this incident, where a Canadian national was caught by Colombian officials with drugs in a fake pregnant belly.  The fundamental error she made was that she did not commit fully to her disguise.  When asked about her due date, instead of having a date in mind and acting polite she acted irritated with the question.  This flaw led to the discovery of her endeavor as it planted suspicion in the minds of the officials questioning her.

Our advice:  if you are going to commit a crime using a fake identity or costume, be sure to plan ahead.  Have answers ready for questions you may receive, and act confident that you are doing nothing wrong.

Our better advice: don't smuggle drugs.  It's too risky.

A Waiting Game

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to doing what's right for you, which is why we hate to be not doing as much as we would like to at the moment.  Due to some threats from the New Company we have had to redirect some of our resources to watching them and preventing them from distributing brads to unsuspecting school children or using chemical weapons or other heinous acts that they have declared their intention to perform.  Unfortunately, this has kept our churro research center drastically understaffed, and we may not have a New and Improved Churro for quite some time.  "Edgar" has quite a lead in the churro space, and we were hoping to cut that down without infringing on his patent, but now we may just have to license his churro technology and hope for the best.  Anyway, here's to hoping that the New Company will do something stupid and call attention to themselves so we can use our resources more how we want to!

Do it well

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not believers in the old adage that if you are going to do something you should do it well, which is why we are sometimes disappointed by the apparently halfhearted attempts by the China Internet Information Centre to pass off visual effects created for Battlestar Galactica as plans for a new aircraft carrier.  We would like to point out that had we been trying to pass off the spaceship as something else we would have picked something more similar to it in shape and color, as even a cursory examination of the posted picture shows that it has no flat surfaces on which other aircraft could be easily landed.  What, you may ask would we pass it off as?  Now that you know it isn't what we are about to say it is you might think it wouldn't have worked, but we think "mobile landmine" would have been a better choice.

The Original Chemical Weapon

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to the use of chemical weapons, which is why it saddens us that so many people and animals in Syria have been recently targeted using nerve agents.  We would like to condemn the individual or individuals responsible for this unconscionable act, and we are vowing that if we ever get the chance we will make him or her or them rue the choice.  Having said that, however, the focus on the recent chemical weapon attack in Syria is drawing a lot of attention.  While it is a heinous act, we think world citizens should be less inclined to follow the crowd to the crisis of the hour and more inclined to worry about the persistent threats we face.  Our supporters know that the apparently-innocuous brad is a tool of evil, and that it is often used to deliver dangerous drugs (also known as chemicals) to unwitting children.  It is in its symbolism it is offensive and degrading, and its sales support pernicious and vindictive individuals in their quest to destroy society as we know it and to prevent us from reaching the New Future.  Some individuals who do not support the GPD also recognize the evil that brads represent, including the group we sometimes refer to as the Allies.  They have occasionally joined us to thwart the dastardly plans the New Company has devised, and we are grateful for their help.  Even so, however, recent surveys suggest that nearly half of the world's population (not counting single-celled organisms) believes that brads do not pose a threat to them or to their children.  Another 15% seem to have no opinion on the matter.  It is incumbent upon us as supporters of the GPD and the New Future to spread the word about brads so that we can eradicate them forever and spare our children the monstrosities that we have had to endure.  Don't let the fact that the recent Syrian chemical attack is so high-profile discourage you from fighting against the original chemical weapon: the brad!

Another victory

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to overcoming our enemies, which is why we were very pleased to note that Consumer Reports finally studied our government against other forms of government.  They gave us five stars in each of efficiency, checks and balances, resistance to special interests, requirements of citizens, and potential for good.  No other form of government was so highly rated, and our ratings in these areas exceed "Constitutional Monarchy," "Parliamentary," and "Democracy" combined.  We received four or four and a half stars in all other rated categories including propaganda and law enforcement.  While we know that Consumer Reports isn't choosing our next form of government, we find it comforting that they recognize our greatness!

Peace and Prosperity

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to Peace and Prosperity and the New Future, which is why we have worked so hard over the last several years to disrupt the status quo.  Some of our supporters have begun suggesting that we should not have let Syria get out of hand, and that letting the first democratically-elected president of Egypt be ousted in a coup might have been letting things go too far, but we would like to point out that the status quo has neither Peace nor Prosperity, and that disruptive change is necessary to transform the world.  Our supporters should start complaining once we are done with our plans if we still have neither of them, but for now, we ask our supporters and others to be patient and let the Peace and Prosperity come.

"Privacy"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with the well-being of all world citizens, which is why we strive so much against the evils found in the world.  We exert a lot of effort trying to crush organized evil in the form of Brad Guys or the New Company, but even if we were to completely vanquish organized evil we would still have to be vigilant as dispersed evil can be just as damaging as organized evil.

You may ask what this "dispersed evil" is, and we would be quick to answer that it is the small things world citizens do daily that do not contribute to a healthy and happy society founded on the principles of equality and love for each other and a hatred of brads and other evil office products.  In order to combat this diffuse threat, the GPD has recently increased its surveillance program, which has drawn criticism from human rights* advocates and from people who like to dabble in dispersed evil.  Those who submitted form 532ERTU012-K have been spared some of the more embarrassing surveillance, but those who didn't keep complaining that we are watching them write memos, scrapbook, and mail letters, and that we are not giving them the privacy they deserve.

The GPD values privacy, but as an open government, we understand and accept that privacy in the New Future is nearly impossible.  In order to guarantee that brads and evil office products are banished forever and that society is optimally organized we need to give up our privacy.  We're not suggesting that world citizens will never have a moment alone, just that they should not expect to be alone in any situation.  If we let people scrapbook on their own, how can we be sure that brads aren't being utilized?  If we don't check up on people's correspondence, how can we be sure that only approved industrial hole punches are being used and that people aren't starting to use hand-held hole punches?  It should be clear to anyone who loves the New Future that we cannot get there without sacrificing our privacy.  At the GPD, however, we know that some of our supporters (primarily humans) would not like to be under surveillance while they are bathing or performing bodily functions, which is why we allowed them to request an exception using the form mentioned above.  With minimal security and inspections you will be granted complete solitude inside the approved facility to do what you need to do.  Due to the unusually high number of complaints from those who haven't yet submitted the form, we are granting them a second chance.  Please submit the form by Friday to your local GPD county office.

*The GPD is amused by the phrase "human rights" as it is by its very nature discriminating against non-human citizens of the world and belittles their rights and needs

Help Needed for our Bat Supporters

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not reticent to go door-to-door asking for help, which is why we have held off so long in the request we are about to make.  A significant number of our supporters in recent years have been developing White Nose Syndrome (WNS) and most of them have been dying because we don't have enough information about WNS or how to treat or prevent it.  The reason we have decided to ask for your help individually is that WNS is making its way West across North America, and more and more of our bat supporters are falling victim to its symptoms.  What we are asking for is support from you, our Responsible World Citizens, in the following ways:

• Moral: We are asking each of you to reach out to your bat friends and have a talk with them about WNS.  Let them know that, although they may develop WNS, they will always be your friend and that you won't abandon them just because they are sick.
• Scientific: We are hoping that many experts in fungal diseases in flying mammals will step forward and volunteer at least a portion of their time to the cause.  Your friends' lives may hang in the balance.
• Financial: While bats need very little in the way of finances, many people who deal with bats require access to money in order to protect the bats from WNS and other threats.

Please contact your local GPD county offices at your convenience to volunteer your time.  And remember, our surveillance is extending every day, so even if we wouldn't have known yesterday that you didn't volunteer your time, we may know today!  It is in your best interest to volunteer before we find out you didn't.

Progress

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to constant progress.  While we know that sometimes we may not progress as quickly as we would like to progress, we are always progressing.  The last few months have been slow if you use some of the more traditional measures of progress, such as measuring operations/day or new supporters/hour, but they have been tremendously productive.  We have spent a great deal of time restructuring the Board of Dictators and its surrounding institutions to make it more efficient and more able to quickly respond to threats from the New Company and other individuals bent on destruction and mayhem.  As a result, there has been less mayhem and fewer incidents, and as a result, fewer operations have been necessary.  Unfortunately, we have seen an increase in activity at the New Company in recent days, so we suspect we may have to play a more prominent role in your lives.  Just let us know when you will be showering or otherwise indisposed using form 532ERTU012-K so that we don't barge in on you unannounced.  Remember that this form should be submitted in triplicate no later than tomorrow evening in your local county GPD offices.  Don't procrastinate, and don't say we didn't warn you!