What "Edgar" was doing in our offices

While we still can't reveal everything we learned from our investigations of the abduction and replacement of our Count Quisling, the Board of Dictators has met often and we have decided to let portions of our finding be made public. We would like to make it all public, but ongoing intelligence operations might be compromised by revealing all of it at this point. As soon as we can we will release the remainder of our findings.

It seems that "Edgar" had at least three motives for his infiltration. One of these we can't talk about publicly yet, so that's all we'll say about mysterious motivation number one. The second motive was to gather intelligence about the GNU Public Dictatorship and its regional operations. We have studied all of the records that the fake Quisling would have had access to during his brief stay, and we have concluded that the only non-public information he encountered was a proposal for extending the GNU Public Theme Park to other locations around the world by setting up mirrors using rsync. The proposal was being circulated among our Counts for preliminary comments, and has subsequently been referred to one of our standards groups (and, of course, made public). For the curious, the proposal is on track to being implemented, but there is disagreement over whether the mirrors should use the traditional rsync or the more innovative RideTorrent. Only time will tell. He also had access to the disciplinary records for Lincoln County, Nevada, but we asked our computer to correlate that information with all of our other records to determine whether anything useful could have been gleaned from that. We found that there was a small exhaust port in our space station against which they could send a squadron of small fighters and, assuming their aim was superb, could destroy our space station, but we have remedied the situation by adding a few extra deflectors to the exhaust port. But I digress. Back to the third reason.

The third and perhaps most interesting reason "Edgar" infiltrated our office was that he apparently wanted to try giving up brads and hole punches for a while to convince himself that he is not dependent on their evil influence. We found this out by reconstructing several of the shredded documents he left in the office when he fled, and after reviewing surveillance and interviewing coworkers we found that he apparently did live without brads for the amazing period of 24 hours. He kept up the appearance of not using brads for much longer, but some of the office workers noticed strange behavior in the brad disposal room as early as a week after the abduction of Quisling. It was these repeated strange incidents that caused Daniel's investigation that precipitated the rest of the events that are so well known.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not encouraged by the fact that "Edgar" couldn't give up his brad and hole punch habit for more than a day. He is apparently more of a slave to his addictions that we had previously believed.

When to call Emergency Services

For some time now we have been trying to get our supporters to understand when it is not appropriate to call for emergency services, with apparently more success than we thought. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not moderate, so it shouldn't surprise you to find out that there are times when calling emergency services is the appropriate thing to do. When you are trapped in a storm drain and can't get out, while posting your status on Facebook as "is stuck in storm drain, please help" might be amusing, you will have better luck using your phone to call emergency services. We encourage all of you to take some time and list the situations you may encounter in your life and to decide whether each of them warrants the calling of emergency services. If you have doubts about any particular situation, contact your local GPD office for clarification.

"Not MY dog, officer"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not observant, and we have recently observed a disturbing trend. We won't bore you with the statistical gobbledy-gook that we calculated to make sure it is a trend, but we will say that our observations were conclusive. More and more people are calling for law enforcement assistance and, instead of stopping someone else's illegal actions, ending up being cited for their own misbehavior. Take this case, for example. If you are going to call the cops to complain about a neighbor's dog, you should probably not let your own dog chew the officer's tires. We hop that we don't have to go into greater detail than this: Before calling the cops on somebody else, be sure that you aren't violating the law.

Sacrifice

We live in an age where sacrifice is often discouraged--we tend to prefer a life of comfort to one that asks us to give anything up. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with those who do sacrifice for the greater good, and hope that we can learn from their examples!

A report

I am pleased to report that my visit to the scene of the crime in Nevada was a complete success, and that the information we were able to gather will serve us for years to come. We have confirmed the details we presumed before about the abduction of Quisling, and we have found some important information about "Edgar." We would love to reveal this information now and have you all be as excited as we are, but we haven't passed the information through our security process yet. We don't want "Edgar" to anticipate our next move, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not eager to make it!

A Gateway to Brads

It has come to my attention that there are some who believe that I have been neglecting my post on the Board of Dictators. As it is true that I have not posted for a while, it is because I was working on many essential and very time-consuming projects for the well-being of society. I have also, in this time, managed to identify one of the latest plots of the Parent Corporation.

We have known for a long time to avoid the evils of brads and the hole punch, as well as evil stickers. Our state is such that those who would call themselves loyal to the GPD would never dream of using these materials. Therefore, the Parent Corporation has been inventing 'gateway' products, which in and of themselves are not evil, and in some cases may even be very practical, but which resemble the evils effects of the Parent Corporation. One such product is the folder with 'prongs'. Sure, it seems simple enough -- maybe even practical. The danger is that people start to associate good feelings for these prongs that subconsciously remind them of brads. Pretty soon they start finding "good uses" for brads, and they are well on their way to evil. As a side note, since these folders are not inherently evil, please be sure to use them according to the instructions provided, and never use them to rip holes in papers -- this creates tendencies that could easily lead to the use of brads.

We at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not supportive of those who invent things that can be used for the good of mankind. We ask you, however, to be careful what items you let into your home, lest lead you to the use brads or hole punches.

The Scene of the Crime

We have found some interesting new leads in the disappearance of Quisling and his replacement by his evil twin "Edgar" which have called me to Nevada to investigate them personally. With a little luck we'll know exactly what happened and be able to make a few arrests within a few days. I'll keep you posted.

Now I'll take a moment to respond to a concern raised by several of our supporters: shouldn't there be an independent commission investigating this incident? The truth of the matter is that we do use independent commissions, but as they often take too long to get any useful leads we usually wait until the situation has been properly handled and then hire a third-party contractor to confirm that we did our jobs correctly. Having the independent investigators looking at the same time we do means (1) we duplicate work, and (2) we step on each others' toes. By using independent investigators later, we can be sure that they only investigate important leads and verify that our correct methods reached the correct conclusions. It's much less messy this way. We appreciate your concern about transparency and would like to reiterate that everything the GNU Public Dictatorship does is open, meaning that you can find out everything that we do, assuming you file the right paperwork. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to truth and openness in government!

Mutants

I was thrilled to learn that we are all mutants, but I am a little disappointed. Where's my laser-eyes? My ice-making ability? My ability to control magnetic fields? My ability to regenerate when injured? I find it hard to believe that television and movies have perpetrated such lies upon us, but that's the way it looks, folks. If we really are mutants, I guess it's like we learn from The Incredibles that if everyone is super then nobody is super. Oh, well.

Masterful diplomacy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to ruling the world without other entanglements, but we are also nothing if not realistic. In the short term, at least, it seems we'll have to deal with existing organizations and governments. In these dealings we have learned a few secrets of diplomacy, one of which we will share with you today.

The secret we want to share with you today is that to get people to agree with you there are two options: (1) find something that everyone agrees with, or (2) find something everyone can agree to be against.

In practice the only things people generally agree on are things like "being hospitalized is unpleasant" and "paying less for the same thing is good." We could keep listing this type of statement for quite a while without touching on anything that would help forge a real relationship. I mean, nobody will help you in a war just because you agree that hospitalization is a drag.

The real power of diplomacy is to make people do what they don't want to do because they believe it is in their best interests. Much of our diplomatic success stems from the fact that brads and hole punches are so universally loathed once people understand what they stand for and that the organizations pushing these devices on the unsuspecting public are so villainous that only they themselves can deny that they are purely evil. Another thing that most people in the world will condemn is the Nazi-Soviet pact of 1939, where they agreed to carve up eastern Europe for their own purposes. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin wisely chose to condemn it this week, creating good feelings around the world because they, too, hate evil.

We hope this post has been instructive, and we'd like to let you know that we are currently recruiting for several positions in our Ministry of Propaganda and Diplomacy. If you are interested, please submit form TDSI-2254L-a (we no longer accept form TDSI-2254L) to your local GPD office at your earliest convenience.

Appropriate Naming

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and that the converse is equally true. Take the city of Boggy Bayou, Florida, for example. After years of lower-than-hoped-for turnout at the annual Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival they finally relented and renamed the city Niceville. Unfortunately, the name by itself change didn't freshen things up enough for some residents, such as this lady. Her neighbor was smoking and infringing on her constitutional right to breathe fresh air, so she decided to spray air freshener at the smoker. Neither of the people involved in this incident were being very nice, even though they were in the city of Niceville. Shocking.

Proof

Clearly there are a handful of words and phrases that are often used to incite arguments or to prove that your own ideas are clearly superior to those of other people. At the GNU Public dictatorship we are nothing if not disapproving of such methods, which is why we would like to take a moment to discuss the use of the word "proof" in such a context.

One of the difficulties in living in a society where we aren't allowed to brainwash people or even simply require that they learn and use newspeak is that different ideas inevitably emerge. People, left to themselves, have an irritating habit of thinking for themselves and coming to conclusions based on their own experiences and beliefs that do not agree with the conclusions of other people. While it would be much simpler to require our supporters to act on our edicts without thinking for themselves, much of the power of the GNU Public Dictatorship is derived from the open source model, which asserts that the community can be a great asset. You can rest assured that the GPD is not going to brainwash you any time soon. Maybe when the technology has improved we can revisit it, but for now you don't have to think about it.

Anyway, the bottom line is that when people disagree about things they often request proof from one other. The problem is that proof has many definitions, ranging from testing the effectiveness of yeast to "a sequence of steps, statements, or demonstrations that leads to a valid conclusion." Unfortunately, even in mathematical proofs, the fact that the proof exists only means that the conclusion is valid given the axioms used and assumptions that were made initially. One person's proof is a silly idea from another person's perspective. Take this example of the use of the word "proof." The writer of the article clearly does not believe that the photo is proof of the existence of the Loch Ness monster, but is using the claim that it is proof to make fun of the person making the claim.

At the GPD we recognize that proof that stands independently of people's assumptions is hard to come by (in fact, we know of only a few instances of such proof, and they all involve hole punches and brads), so we suggest that more can be accomplished by sharing and understanding assumptions than by proving things based on your own assumptions.

Propaganda Tips

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence, which is why we occasionally use this forum to provide useful tips on how to do various things. Today's topic is photographic manipulation. We have reported on this before, but the focus of that post was to understand what the manipulation meant, not how to successfully pull it off. Today we will consider a list of useful tips so that you, too, can manipulate photos. We will use Microsoft's recent altered photo as an example.

1. Subtlety in photographic manipulation is paramount. The smaller the difference between the original image and the manipulated one, the less likely the casual observer is to question the legitimacy of the photo. In the case of the Microsoft case, they chose the head of one of the people in the photo, which would be great if nobody looked at the faces in the photos. Unfortunately, most people do look at the faces, so this choice proved to be a poor one.
2. Consistency in manipulation is important. Small discrepancies, such as the position of a shadow, can mean the difference between successful propaganda and embarrassing amateurish material. In Microsoft's picture they chose to orient the head in a different position, making the shadows on the person's body inconsistent. What's more, the head itself has its light source on the opposite side of the room from the other faces. If anything says "manipulated" it's shadows in the wrong places.
3. Thoroughness helps. When manipulating a photo, be sure to change all of something to all of something else. Microsoft chose to change the black man's head to white, but neglected to change the black man's hand.
4. Make sure you have a purpose. Propaganda is most effective when it has a message behind it, so be sure that your manipulation conveys your message. Either the manipulators of the Microsoft image are racist, or the message is lost. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not generous, so we'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that either their message was too subtle for us or they didn't have a message, not that they were acting out of hatred for another race. The GPD does not tolerate discrimination, so we hope that this is the case. We wouldn't want to have to add Microsoft to our list of enemies.

Smart Beauty Parlors

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping our supporters make sense of the world around them, which is why we occasionally post information about new fields of science and technology. One of these, which has been in the works for many years now but is just barely being recognized as a legitimate science, is smart beauty parlors. We have all heard of smart phones, but a recent Gallup poll conducted suggested that fewer than 5% of people have heard of smart beauty parlors, and less than 1% have ever used one.

Beauty parlors have been around for ages, with the primary goal of making people look more beautiful than they looked before they entered. Unfortunately, the idiosyncrasies of the individual beauticians and their own limited view of the world of fashion sometimes makes patrons look less beautiful than when they entered the parlor. In order to counter this risk, a young woman by the name of Janet Gottsch studied long and hard and eventually created the "smart beauty machine."

Ms. Gottsch, inventor of the Smart Beauty Machine

The smart beauty machine takes into account the weather forecast for the day, the body and face shape of the patron, the trends reported on E!TV, and the spreads of popular magazine covers to decide on the ideal style for hair, nails, and any accessories. In 1944 (when Ms. Gottsch was 17) it was lampooned in The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, and subsequently lost most of its public appeal. It took many years for it to make a comeback, and in recent years it has become quite popular in many Asian countries. We have long supported Ms. Gottsch in her efforts to revitalize the industry, and now that it's much closer we are urging you all to try it out when you see it!

Exonerated!

It is with great pleasure that we announce that over the weekend Daniel and his task force successfully located and took into custody (former) Count Quisling! Perhaps even more exciting is that we have cleared up the mysteries surrounding his apparent betrayal and the apparent lack of thoroughness in our background checks, and that the GNU Public Dictatorship is off the hook.

It was with great sadness that Daniel announced that Quisling had apparently betrayed us in late July. We weren't sure it was the right thing to do, but we figured that with our supporters on the lookout we would find Quisling much faster than we would otherwise. Unfortunately, as often happens with complex situations, we did not correctly anticipate the magnitude of every effect of this announcement. It seems that the Parent Corporation was able to leverage many more news outlets than we previously thought possible, and the backlash against the GNU Public Dictatorship was harsh. We provided more information in order to silence the fears being voiced by "supporters" of the GPD, but still our search proved fruitless.

That is, until one of our supporters noticed a ride that had been in the GNU Public Area at the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, Texas. At the Theme Park it had been called TORSO (Terrence's Open Reality Simulation Orchestrator) and it served to provide a realistic version of day-to-day life. When our supporter (who we shall call "Bert" to protect his identity) found the ride he thought it looked familiar, but it was labeled EORSO (Edgar's Open Reality Simulation Orchestrator). We were very disappointed that "Edgar" was willing to steal an open-source ride and pretend it was his own (which is, in itself, a grave violation of copyright law), so we investigated. Inside we found a relaxed Count Quisling, apparently going about his daily routine. When he saw Daniel he asked why we had softened our position on brads, and Daniel, confused, explained that we had not. The conversation continued, confusing all participants, until someone guessed what had happened.

Quisling had been somehow tricked into entering the simulator. Thanks to the open nature of the ride we were able to tell that the simulator had been programmed to simulate Quisling's daily routine and provide an ever-softening stance on brads and hole punches, purportedly from the Board of Dictators, to wear down his resistance to them. We were pleased when we realized that Quisling had not betrayed us, but we still had a great deal of investigation to do before we found out what had happened.

Apparently back in June Quisling was approached by what he considered a suspicious character. Quisling tailed him back to an apartment, where he apparently lost him. Quisling returned, apparently to work, and had been going about his duties faithfully regardless of what he thought he read on our blog. He called us several times, but was directed to an answering machine. He left several messages asking us whether we had some game plan that he should be aware of. When Daniel arrived Quisling still had no idea he had been missing for several months.

So, you ask, if Quisling was in EORSO at the time, who was the man Daniel saw fleeing from Quisling's office? The answer, as we discovered recently, was that Quisling had an identical twin who happens to be "Edgar" (the one who makes the decisions, not the figurehead) of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. Given the information we now have we know that "Edgar" himself took Count Quisling's place and tried his best to bring down the GPD from inside. Why would the leader of the UBHP take such a risk? The answer could only be that our efforts are scaring them more than they would like to let on, and that they decided to take this risk in order to discredit us.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not relieved that we didn't hire our nemesis and that the man we hired didn't betray us, and we're nothing if not pleased that the UBHP considers us a great enough threat to send their reclusive leader undercover into our midst in the hopes of discrediting us. We are also nothing if not pleased that their evil plan did not succeed, and we hope that the evidence from Quisling's office can be reexamined given this new information and yield some clues about the workings of the UBHP's leadership.

Cancer sticks: no longer what you thought

For many years now there have been campaigns against smoking, and for good reason. Smoking has been linked to a number of diseases, including cancer, and the risks from smoking seem to outweigh the benefits of looking cool or classy. Now that we as a society seem to agree that smoking is not a good thing, the anti-cancer league has latched on to a new "cancer stick:" household candles. While they admit that there are other lifestyle choices that could affect your chances of contracting cancer more, they recommend limiting your use of candles. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but we assure you that "an occasional paraffin candle and its emissions will not likely affect you."

How not to rob a bank

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about your successes in life, so we thought it might be time to provide some helpful hints on how to rob a bank. These hints were inspired by the recent experience of previously-convicted bank robber Jarell Paul Arnold in Alaska.

The first thing to consider in robbing a bank is how to get into the building without attracting attention. If you enter with a ski mask or other device to hide your face you will likely be stopped right away. On the other hand, if you enter without a mask you will probably show up in surveillance footage. Either way, your plan would be frustrated. If possible, use a Groucho Marx disguise and avoid all cameras.

Once you are in the bank you must make your demand to the teller. Standard methods include pulling a gun and producing a note that states your intent. Either method will work, provided that you don't first identify yourself to the teller. This was the primary mistake Jarell made, and it has cost him dearly. If you are wearing a Groucho Marx disguise, be sure to talk like Groucho. Incidentally, we have heard of people who used a Harpo Marx disguise, but that is much trickier as it is less likely you would be recognized and as Harpo you wouldn't be speaking.

Once you have made your intent clear the next important step is to get the money without any of those explosive ink devices or tracking devices. Asking for small amounts of cash may make it easier to get away, but it will make it harder to make a proper living. Please take this into account when deciding how much cash to request.

Once you have the cash you have to get out without being caught by security guards. Running out quickly is a good standby and has served many a robber well, assuming they have a getaway car ready. Getting away is nearly always the most important part of a bank robbery as without it you are easily caught.

Our lawyers would like us to point out that we are not advocating the robbing of banks as the benefit to society is negative, but that we are trying to help people who have already made that choice to do so responsibly.

When Zombies Attack!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we try to minimize risk by having a plan for every possible contingency, which is why we recently commissioned a study into the likely outcome of a zombie invasion. Most scientists laughed at us and said we were crazy to even consider such a thing, but they'll be sorry when the undead rise against humanity. Robert Smith? (before you comment about it, the question mark is in fact part of his name and serves to differentiate between the scientist and the singer. We think Robert Smith, the singer, may already be a zombie, so we would never enlist his help in planning for a zombie attack) agreed to help us, and modeled a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. We are very pleased with the outcome, as they found that if we use frequent counter-attacks with increasing force we would be able to eradicate the fictional creatures. You can now sleep soundly knowing that when zombies attack we will be ready!

Excessive punishment

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with the apparent trend toward excessive punishments for minor infractions. It has always been our position that punishment ought to be commensurate with the crime, and it saddens us that we constantly have to remind government officials around the world about this. Take this case, for example, in which a man faces up to six months in jail for yawning during court proceedings. We find it shocking and appalling that he could face that long of a prison term, and have been petitioning the court to limit the maximum sentence to no more than 175 days. We hope we succeed.

Evil: an update

Over the weekend we realized that we overreacted to the virtual embodiment of evil, "E." While we still consider him a threat to the purity of the Internet, we realized that our fears were unfounded. After all, what evil character doesn't sport a goatee or a mustache and doesn't speak in a British or Slavic accent?

A new twist in the search for Quisling

Our task force led by Daniel is still tracking Quisling's whereabouts, but our other task forces have dug up something interesting. Something so subtle that our famously exhaustive background checks didn't even reveal it: Quisling has an identical twin. It took the combined computing power of three of the world's fastest supercomputers three weeks to come up with the hypothesis and it took several days to confirm, but we are certain now that this is the case.

While having an identical twin doesn't make a person evil, it certainly increases the odds. After all, we hear much more about "evil twins" than "evil selves." In Quisling's case, however, all indicators suggest that both twins are evil. As far as our research shows, Quisling was separated at birth from his twin and hasn't seen him since, but we did not keep him under 24-hour surveillance (a measure we are considering adopting because of his betrayal) so we can't be sure. Regardless of this, however, we now believe that Quisling's twin is none other than "Edgar." Not the "Edgar" who gives the speeches, but the pinkiless "Edgar" who calls the shots behind the scenes. This would explain why there are so many similarities between Quisling and "Edgar" and would explain a good deal of the motive for Quisling's actions. We are disappointed that our screening process did not catch this earlier, and we are still hoping that we are wrong, but hiring the twin of our nemesis as a count is a good deal less embarrassing than hiring our nemesis. We promise to keep you updated as more information becomes available.