The revenge of "odortising"

Most of our loyal supporters will have forgotten about our failed "odortising" campaign of late last year, but it seems it's not ready to go away completely. In a misguided attempt an employee at a Texas bank call center tried to advertise the GNU Public Dictatorship using an old canister she had saved from our odortising experiment. Unfortunately the chemicals used in our short-lived campaign were not chosen for their shelf life, and 34 people were hospitalized because of the "perfume."

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about your welfare, so please trust us when we say that it is in your best interest to turn any unconsumed "odortising" materials in to your local GPD office.

It's just a bad idea

Today I was driving on a fairly major road when my wife suddenly pointed to our left and made an exclamation of surprise. I looked in time to see a tire roll forward and a pickup truck suddenly drop and start scraping the pavement, all of which surprised me as well. Since I am a certified tire tracker I was able to watch where the tire went and easily recovered it for the owner of the vehicle. When I returned it to the driver, however, I found that the dealership he had just purchased the car from had used, of all things, brads to attach the wheel to the car. Since I am a certified anti-brad evangelist I happened to have a pamphlet or two on the dangers of brads on me, and I generously shared them with our unlucky motorist. He assured me that he did not know they had used brads to attach the wheel, and his outrage at the dealer was clear. We hope that our supporters will spread the word to the less-credulous. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not certain that it is a bad idea to attach wheels to a car with household brads. Oh, and please remember that even though we defeated the Company, there are still a number of rogue cells of Brad Guys operating around the world, so we recommend unceasing vigilance!

The advantages of the Open Source Model

Microsoft recently had to release some emergency updates to its Internet Explorer product due to a simple typo in the source code. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence in all of its forms, and while we are not saying the Microsoft hasn't produced some good software, we would like to point out that excellence is thwarted when the source remains closed. If Microsoft used the Open Source model, the world would have known about this exploit much sooner, and of course they would have made better use of the exploit before someone at Microsoft actually fixed it and rolled out an update.

Moderation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not moderate in all things, but sometimes we have to remind our supporters of this. We realize that attracting such intense loyalty is a blessing and a curse, but we are thrilled to have so many people willing to answer the call of duty whatever the cost. We recently asked supporters to keep an eye out for any sign of former Count Quisling, but we didn't expect people to employ their children as river guards. Our lawyers have asked us to make it absolutely clear that the GNU Public Dictatorship in no way condones using children as cheap labor or using toy cars as river rafts.

A clue to the whereabouts of our traitor

One of Count Quisling's close friends was recently apprehended in California, which has been a stroke of luck for us. Count Quisling, apparently too involved in his addictions to read the news, contacted him today. We naturally have Mr. Martinez under surveillance and were able to get a great deal of information about Count Quisling's whereabouts that should allow us to capture him soon. Oh, and if you're reading this, Mr. Quisling, we suggest you just turn yourself in. We already have you surrounded, we're just being generous and letting you demonstrate your contrition before we make you demonstrate it. We promise that it will go better for you if you don't make a scene.

A word of explanation about Quisling

Many of our supporters have expressed shock and dismay that we have allowed a person such as Quisling to become a Count in the GNU Public Dictatorship. While we are saddened by his apparent ties to the Parent Corporation, our faith in our system is still strong. Quisling clearly had access to nefarious office products in his position, and he clearly knew about our public events as he was tasked with coordinating them, but he knew nothing about our secret plans. Our GPD Counts are not cleared for that information as they do not need to know any of it. Consequently, Count Quisling could not have given the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch any more information than they could have found had they been looking. We learned a great deal about the strength of our security infrastructure when "Viktor" apparently betrayed us last year, and we can state unequivocally that we do not fear any information leak from Quisling's betrayal.

On another level, though, this is deeply concerning. Regardless of the damage Quisling might have been able to do to the New Future, the fact that we lost him to our enemies is troublesome. We have initiated a full review of our brad exposure policy to make sure that (1) The recommended daily doses are well below dangerous levels, and (2) Count Quisling was following the recommended daily doses. Anecdotal evidence from his coworkers suggests that he may have had a brad addiction earlier in his life, and that his resolve buckled under the pressure of being near so many brads that were on their way to disposal.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not optimisitic that this is an isolated incident. We hope Daniel's investigations will prove what we already suspect, and we are anxiously awaiting Count Quisling's capture.

How low will they stoop?

Recently I was attending a religious gathering when I came face-to-face with the spawn of the Parent Corporation. Scattered all around the wood floor were little discs, obviously made by hole punches. As I am one of the foremost experts on hole punches and hole punch paraphernalia I stooped to examine them, and found that not only were they made from a sturdy foil-like plastic, but many of them had been coated so that they would adhere to the wood floor very tenaciously. We got our hazardous materials team to the scene within minutes, but many of the attendees still had to be disinfected. During cleanup four of our agents received minor injuries from the discs, ranging from bent fingernails to bruises. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by this apparent lack of concern for people's religious freedom, and we would like to urge all of our supporters to educate their friends and neighbors about the dangers of such things.

Alexa Longueira, Hero of the People

It is with great pleasure that we recognize our latest Hero of the People, Alexa Longueira. She has braved many perils and has allowed herself to become the laughingstock of the online community, all in order to keep her secret mission from coming to light. Alexa's mission (which still remains largely classified) was to thwart an evil plan being hatched by the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch that involved using the New York City sewer system to scatter circular pieces of confetti that were produced by hole punches. Her quick action and her willingness to keep up the charade of the "texting teen" has allowed us to vanquish those Brothers and keep the world safe from hole punches once again!

Thanks, Alexa.

A Traitor in our Midst!

Thank you, Tim, for explaining where I had been. As I was not allowed to post during that time, I had not yet released this information to the public, but I have been diligently doing more research into the situation. Please be vigilant should any man going by 'Quisling' approach you. Given his name, I am surprised I did not see this coming. This is the story:

Quisling was a Count of Lincoln County, Nevada. He appeared to be a very loyal supporter of the GPD. He was entrusted with the office and responsibility of disposing of brads. As I was investigating the underground baby pirating network, I was led to his office by an informant, whom we shall call "C.J." C.J. suggested that 'Quisling' may somehow be involved in this world of black market trade. With disbelief in my heart, I determined to investigate the situation in order to clear his good name. However, I was shocked when I entered his office unannounced and saw him shredding papers in a device that appeared to be built from brads. He evidently saw my surprise and took the opportunity to flee the scene. Though we are not sure where he is, we are confident that we will find him soon. An investigation of his office showed that he had built up crafty contrivances with brads. The sting of this betrayal was made all the more painful by the fact that these were the brads which he had been entrusted to destroy. It was apparent that he had been functioning to further the cause of the Parent Corporation for many years. Papers indicated that he had also been selling these brads on the black market. It also appears that he may have been corresponding with other members of the GPD. This cannot be confirmed because they were using code names. However, do not fear, we have conducted secret investigations on all of our offices, and you are still safe taking your brads and other nefarious objects to your local GPD office.

As for Quisling, we are issuing a level G watch. This means that if any of you come in contact with him, do not attempt to restrain him, but immediately call your local GPD officers and he will be apprehended promptly.

An explanation

We have received a number of questions asking what has become of Daniel, and so we feel it is time to explain to our supporters what has been going on. Daniel, as a probationary member of the Board of Dictators, had recently come up against his three-month review. As all of you know our probationary members are prohibited from posting during their review (to allow them to post would be to allow them to sway public opinion before we have even made our own decision). The review is very thorough and has consumed much of the Board's time over the last few weeks. Daniel's contributions to the cause have been tremendous even in the short time he has been with us, so it should have come as no surprise to our supporters that he has passed his review and become a full member* of the Board of Dictators. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we expect nothing if not to hear more from Daniel soon now that he is free to speak!

*Full members are not allowed full voting rights until after they have passed their certification exams. Daniel is now preparing for the exams and should have them under his belt by the end of the year.

A FAQ about the underground people

Many people responded to my latest post with numerous questions about the hollow center of the earth and the people that live there. This post will be an attempt to answer as many of these questions as possible.

Q. Where is the hollow center of the earth?
A. As the name implies, it is at the center of the earth.

Q. Didn't science disprove this theory years ago?
A. Have you ever read a scientific work about someone who made direct observations of the earth's core? Indirect observations are fine and dandy, but unless you've been there please don't try to tell us it's impossible.

Q. How did people get there?
A. We haven't completed our investigations just yet, but from our guide's story it sounds like they traveled there long ago from the surface of the earth.

Q. How did they learn Esperanto?
A. Our guide took a correspondence course in Esperanto from the University of Phoenix.

Q. Why won't they help in the fight against brads?
A. This is an unfair loaded question. They are helping in the fight against brads, but they will not join us above ground as many of them have reverse-claustrophobia and can't stand to be in large caverns or open areas for very long. They did agree to hunt down and destroy any representatives of the Parent Corporation they might find down there, so we are pleased with the arrangement.

Q. How are you going to keep in contact with them?
A. We left a bunch of fiber-optic cables leading to a communication station down there, so we hope our guide will send us email from time to time. If he doesn't, we'll send emissaries down every couple of months.

Q. What is to be gained by this alliance? Was it really worth spending a week of your life underground?
A. Those who ask this question have obviously never read Edgar Rice Burrough's series of books about Pellucidar. Please read them and then ask your questions. Of course it was worth a week of my time.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with our new allies, and we hope you can share our enthusiasm!

A report on my adventure

When I set out last week on a journey to the hollow center of the earth I had no idea what would befall me, but we knew that it if we are truly going to establish a GNU World Order it was critical to enlist the people on the inside of the earth as well as on the outer crust. It wasn't an easy journey, and I won't bore you with the details, other than the fact that the entrance I used is in Preston, Idaho. The Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch found an entrance in Lubbock, Texas, but we have since sealed that entrance and heavily guarded the Preston, Idaho, entrance to prevent their interference in the future.

Our expedition wandered in the ground for several hours before coming upon the UBHP's delegation, at which time we hid and observed their actions. When we ascertained that they were attempting to beat us to the inhabitants of that strange world we promptly surrounded them and captured them. I sent a part of our force to the surface with them and moved on. My force sealed the Texas entrance and interrogated our captured enemies, but that's another story. The information we got from them was quite helpful, and we expect it to play a large role in future posts. We have learned, however, our lesson in spewing information in this forum prematurely, so you will have to wait to learn what we learned.

Anyway, after wandering through the caverns for what seemed like much longer than it actually was, we found what we were looking for: a representative of the inhabitants of the center of the earth. He was not much help as he didn't even speak Esperanto, but we managed to get our point across eventually using visual aids and sign language. He cowered when we showed him a picture of a hole punch, which goes to show how much primitive man initially feared the tools we have been taught to wield in the modern world.

He took us to his village (apparently there are many small villages down there, but they live in peace and prosperity due to the lack of brads and hole punches) and one elder there had learned to speak Esperanto, so we learned from her the story of their civilization. We also related the story of our efforts to keep nefarious office products out of their realm, and we got a treaty signed that states that while they will not join us in the fight above ground they will not tolerate brads or hole punches in their realms. We look forward to more talks with our subterranean friends, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the Parent Corporation's inability to spread their evils underground!

I'm back... more details to follow

I'm back from the underground, so I wanted to let you all know that I did not perish down there. I'll report on the successes of my mission shortly, but there are a few loose ends to tie up first.

Oh, and apparently the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch reads our blog, so in the future I will have to be more careful in announcing my next move on that forum. They sent emissaries ahead of us, but due to our sagacity we still beat them! Look for more details about my trip in the next few days.

German Operations

With Dictator Tim going underground for a while, it is time for me to step up and explain the underground activities which have kept me busy for so long.

I returned two days ago from my most dangerous task yet. Though we have thousands of supporters who would have gladly taken on this responsibility, I felt it was urgent to not put any of them at risk. I speak, of course, of immersing myself in the world of paper goods.

I flew to Germany, where I posed as a tourist with unsuspecting relatives, while simultaneously researching some foul rumors that had come to our attention. It seems that the Unholy Brotherhood has chosen to scale back their US operations temporarily, due to our increased diligence in our home country. What they did not realize is that the influence of the GNU Public Dictatorship has infiltrated every corner of the earth. So naturally our spies alerted us to their German activities immediately.

The world of paper goods, of course, is completely safe and approved by the GPD. The Unholy Brotherhood recognizes, of course, that there would be little use for hole punches if there were no paper products. They have been sending agents into various paper businesses, touting not only the nefarious uses of the hole punch but other products as well. While we are not yet at liberty to explain these malicious plans, be assured that we are working around the clock to come to that point. We at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not dedicated to informing you of potentially dangerous crafting products.

In the meantime, keep in mind a few basic rules:

* If your crafting supply has a jagged or sharp edge, its' use may be twisted or perverted to accomplish the nefarious and perverted goals of the Parent Corporation.

* If your crafting supply causes undue perforations or tears, you may want to pack it away until it has been examined by our Safety and Hazard Interrogation Team.

* If your crafting project encourages you to use other products that are known as unsafe, such as hole punches, you may be the victim of a plot by the Parent Corporation and Unholy Brotherhood.

Going underground for a while

With all that has been going on in the world and our fight with the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, the Board of Dictators has decided that it would be in our best interest to enlist the help of any creatures that may live in the hollow center of the earth before the Parent Corporation can contact them. We know that science has told us it is highly unlikely that we will find anything living down there, but we have to try. I was chosen as the GPD's envoy to the people of the center of the earth, and am currently in final preparations for my journey. We have thought of many ways to get the Internet down there, but none of them have been practical, so if you don't hear from me for a week or so be assured that I am deep underground searching for new supporters!

Introducing an entirely new product line!

Since it was discovered that self-help really hurts people's self-esteem, we have had a panel working on a self-hurt books. Their research is complete, and we are about to release the first products in our new self-hurt line. We have purchased billboards all over the world and put up our new slogan, "If self-help hurts, then self-hurt helps!"

As with most things we do, we don't expect to make a lot of money off our self-hurt industry, but we do hope to make the world a better place. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not altruistic!

A nice idea

When the G8 summit declared that we won't let the earth's temperature rise more than two degrees Celsius by 2050 we decided that we should probably have some goals that sound nice but over which we can exert no real control. After all, what good is propaganda if we can't set lofty goals? Anyway, we held a meeting of the Board of Dictators and decided that in addition to supporting the G8's goal, we will add the goal that no more than 15 earthquakes of magnitude 7.0 or greater will occur in that same time span.

Deadly Sins

While reading this article it occurred to me that we have never taken the time to create a list of Deadly Sins for supporters of the new future. We know that disrespecting the King of Pop is on the list, but if you have any other suggestions please submit them by Saturday July 18th. We'll compile the list as soon as we can.

It's amazing what the mainstream press doesn't print

Recently the mainstream press carried a story about a gorilla wielding a knife left behind by one of its keepers. What we can't figure out is why the mainstream press refuses to cover the story of a meerkat wielding a brad left behind by one of its keepers. I guess we either have a long way to go in convincing society or else the Brad Guys' influence is still greater than we thought.

Evidence of Humanity's Stupidity? - OR - A Parent Corporation Plot to Make us Think it is Evidence of Humanity's Stupidity?

When we simultaneously receive a number of similar incidents which seem to show the stupidity of humanity itself, we have to take a step back and look at the other evidence. In this case, (and this case, and this case) it appears that we just have more evidence that people seem to not understand the purposes of Emergency Services. If we hadn't posted about this before, we might believe that people make these mistakes, but given that our guidelines have been widely distributed, we suspected that perhaps this was a Parent Corporation plot. We'll have "Viktor" investigate as soon as he finishes his current assignment, but we believe there is a strong possibility that "Edgar" is instructing his followers to make it look like humans are stupid so that we as a species will acquiesce to his evil desires and join him. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not worried about the way such a world would be run, so we urge you to not give in to despair just yet!

Hold on to your cold cuts

For many years now the number of lunch meat thefts has been so low that most of us are not afraid to go out in the open with a deli sandwich, but for those of us who have been around for a few years we remember the age when to take a sliced ham sandwich out of the safety of your home was to expect a violent mugging. Efforts on the part of the police and several government agencies have helped, but the stroke that nearly eradicated the threat was the formation of the Citizens for Cold Cut Safety (CCCS), a grass-roots organization that has for years been working behind the scenes to ensure that anyone could take a sandwich anywhere without fear of reprisal. Unfortunately, as this incident reminds us that the threat is still present. Granted, it wasn't a man with a gun or even a man with a knife, and granted, the bear only took the sandwich and left, but it stands a reminder to us all that we can' just waltz aroudn with our coldcuts out in the open. We should at least eat them in the safety of our own home, and transport them (if necessary) in discreet ways. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to eradicating sandwich muggings, and we hope you will use these common-sense tips!

Important Intelligence!

After reports of fires at the same unoccupied house in Lake Success, New York, two nights in a row, our operatives started sniffing around. "Viktor" found evidence that the house is not, as it purports to be, a private residence, but a laboratory where the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch spends its time researching chemical combinations that can be hidden on brads and hole punches without obvious damage to the evil implements themselves. After this discovery we also found clues that have told us much more about the UBHP and the Parent Corporation, including references to a "Wanda" who appears to be the marketing director of the Parent Corporation. We'll keep you updated whenever possible.

An update on the conference

After debating health care reform for several days now we are finally ready to take action. We have formed a standards body to lay out the standards for open-source healthcare that we call the OSHSWG (pronounced osh'swig). They will meet every second Thursday of every month via the Internet to discuss the standards we should apply to our health care system. If they can keep the same pace most standards groups achieve, we should have a draft solution by late 2024. Those who are too impatient for the standard can start using one of the reference implementations as soon as they feel like it. These implementations are not fully finished, and probably contain things that will not be part of the standard, but for those eager to start enjoying open-source healthcare now it is just the thing!